Mental Health Checkup... via Blogger

I haven't blogged about anything that matters in a while. Well, not that my stories don't matter. They do. A lot. But not necessarily in the face of what is otherwise known as "real life," and especially anything to do with Tyler.

Almost eight months ago I had a baby boy named Tyler. He lived five days before he went to Heaven. He had a bad heart. (Well, actually he had a huge heart. It was too big for his body so he couldn't live with it. Which is kind of awesome, in a way.) Most of you know the story. If you don't, I blogged about it here. And the aftermath here. I haven't brought it up again since then for several reasons. Mainly, I'm not talking about it every five seconds in RL so I'm not going to do that here. I'm moving forward and I'm focused on the good stuff. *Update since that last post: I took the crib down a few months ago. It was liberating.

I haven't brought it up because I want this blog to be mainly the good stuff. Also, its the place where I snark and spew sarcasm--which is really hard to do when you're talking about death and grief. Although, Whisper manages it quite nicely in places. (if you're new here and you haven't read it, Whisper is my tribute to Tyler and the grief. It's what healed me in a lot of ways--and it's an awesome story with a hot Cherokee warrior. #TeamDylan)

But today, I thought I'd do a mental health check-in because I had many, many emails and messages when I first went through this from moms and readers and all kinds of people who said how encouraged they were by my story and loved the honesty and felt less alone and all sorts of things I couldn't really believe people took away from my heartbreaking story. I want all of YOU to know I haven't forgotten you. To the moms whose children have incurable defects/illnesses and you struggle to care for them every day and remember how to smile in spite of it all--I think of/pray for you DAILY. YOU inspire ME. Do not forget that. You are not forgotten.

How am I today? It's complicated.

Right this very moment, and most other days, I am content. I've learned to focus on what makes me happy, what makes me feel lucky, what gets me excited. Those are the things I give my attention to. If it brings me down, makes me feel negative, or hurts me even in a small way, I've let it go. That includes several people in my life, hobbies, routine stuff. I took stock, figured out what should stay/go, and made it happen. That was freeing. I also feel adventurous. "You only live once" and "Life is Short" echo through my mind daily. As proof, my family and I are going to the Dominican Republic for a week-long vacay in a couple of weeks. I've never been anywhere that required a passport before, so this is HUGE for me.

My new goal is to EXPERIENCE things. 

I do think about Tyler and it makes me so sad that my heart feels weighted and heavy and like my ribs might crack or be crushed under the pressure. Then, I squeeze my eyes shut against the images of his face and I put one foot in front of the other and I keep going. It's not always pretty. I mess up. I'm angry a lot lately. I don't even know why or at whom. I am short on patience and long on irritability. I know it's part of the cycle but I really wish this part would hurry up. So does my family.

Also, babies are hard for me right now. They're like the sun. I can't look directly at them. My heart lurches a little to the left and my breath catches and I can almost feel the weight of him in my arms again and then its gone and I have to turn away. I think its important to say that I'm not jealous. Jealousy means I wish it was me and not you. That's not what I feel. I am so happy it's you. I just wish it was me, too.

These days, my kids and I talk a lot about Heaven. What it will be like, what sort of things there are to do there, and all of the people who'll be waiting to greet us. Tyler is mentioned a lot in present tense. He is still a very real part of our family, even for my kids. He is still their brother, and I love them for that. We've decided that, in Heaven, you can ride bikes whenever you want and eat whatever you like. McDonald's won't make you fat. You can play long past dark. Actually, it's never dark. Even better. And Tyler's going to know all of the best places to go by the time we're there.

So, to sum up the mental health checkup, like I said before, it's complicated. Up and down. Good and bad. A cycle.

I'm really glad I have my family who loves me, my writing which purges me, and you guys ... because at the risk of sounding all Dr. Evil-ish... you complete me.
X's & O's.
Later 'Taters.

Whisper giveaway and UtopYA shoutouts

HOLY ...

This summer is going by fast!!!! It makes me sad. I love summer like a fat kid and cake. I really need to move south because I hate the cold. I like looking out a window at a snowy scene but I don't like standing in it as a rule. <--- already off track. Nobody cares about snow in July.

So I went to UtopYA in Nashville a couple of weeks ago. *Sigh* It's really been over for that long. I had sooooo much fun and met sooooo many fun people. Authors and readers and bloggers, most of which I've been chit-chatting with online for at least a year now. So it was one of those #EpicLifeMoments like every 5 minutes all week long.

I roomed with Angeline Kace (author of Descended By Blood), Chelsea Fine (author of the Anew, Awry, and Sophie & Carter), and KC Neal (author of Pyxis). This hashtag -----> #Epic could be used to sum it up. We had a blast.

That's me on the left, next to KC. Then Ang, then Chelsea. (Thanks, Michael, for taking such a great pic!)

One of the highlights was a panel I was on called StoryFrenzy where we created a story completely through Improv and audience/card prompts. Amanda Havard, Chelsea Fine, Brina Courtney, and the rest were HILARIOUS! We didn't get to finish our story, though, about a Were-Liger named Xavier and his ex-military girlfriend so if you want to read the story or see how it ends, stay tuned on Twitter for this ---> #Ligerbane. We will continue the story, 144 characters at a time. 

And a huge "LOVE YOU!" to everyone I met: Tiffany King & fam, Adam & Carol Kunz, Quinn Loftis, Michelle Leighton, Raine Thomas, Supagurl Heather, everyone at Art Circle Library, Amy Bartol, Janet Wallace, Amanda Havard, KP Simmons, the cast of Auror's Tale, Myra McEntire, Brina Courtney, Morgan Wylie, Abbi Glines, Jamie Anderson, Delphina & Rachel, Ella James, Alli (Magnet 4 Books) <---- love all of you!!! I know I'm forgetting peeps. And whoever you are, don't be mad. It doesn't mean I don't love you, too. I just can't think straight because UtopYA gives me a brain buzz just thinking about it.

And because I want to spread my excitement around, I have a giveaway. I'm putting together some fun stuff for Whisper coming up in a few weeks and as a teaser I am offering some of Whisper's jewelry up for grabs!   

And if you've already read Whisper, the button here ------>
may interest you. It's Dylan ;) Feel free to copy it and splash it all over your blog or website. He won't mind.

As for the contest, you can enter via the rafflecopter below. Contest is international! 

**There is also a special giveaway going on EXCLUSIVELY for my street team which is open to bloggers. Click the link here to request to join. https://www.facebook.com/groups/300938726647500/

a Rafflecopter giveaway

UtopYA and life's hard choices

Okay, so there's this little thing called UtopYA con happening in Nashville next weekend (July 6-8) for YA lovers and the writers who make your dreams a {fictional} reality. And I'm sort of GOING there!

If you need to understand what all this is about, here's the deets ^^

Woot woot!!! 

I can't wait! 

Because, in addition to the con, which is amazing enough all on its own, there's this little awards situation happening. And by "little," I mean HUGE. Like empire state building, sears tower, HERD OF ELEPHANTS HUGE.

Because Dirty Blood has been nominated in FOUR categories. Ahhh!

The list of nominees is epic. Angeline Kace is in, like, eighty categories for Descended by Blood, there's Abbi Glines, SM Reine, Chelsea Fine, KC Neal ... all my faves. Seriously, this is going to rock socks. And faces. All at the same time. Ridiculous. 

So, here's where you come in. First, I would love for you to buy a ticket, hop a plane or a train, and present your smiling face to me in person. BUT, I know that's not possible for everyone, so here's what you can do. You can vote. I'm not asking you to vote for me. (You'll have a hard time deciding once you see that list, trust me.) Voting--no matter who its for--will make me happy. Click here to make me happy. 

As for an update on all things Heather--its summer. Which means I'm in and out, more out than in. My biggest decision every day is: the beach, the water park, or the pool? Choices, choices ...

It's such a hard life. Hehe. 

I will be around more in July. Blood Bond, book 3 in the Dirty Blood series, will be out August 31 and I plan on kicking off giveaways and contests leading up to and through the release, so you will want to stay tuned for that. (Hint: the first will be exclusively for newsletter recipients. If you're not on that list, now would be a good time. *wink*) 

In a couple of weeks, I'll have pics and stuff to share from my trip ;) In the meantime, since I'm being blog-lazy, you should check out some of the blogs on my sidebar. They are usually more interesting than me, anyway. And check out our summer guest post series on Accendo Press' blog by your favorite authors here.

Later 'taters.

Epic Weekend

This is how I know summer is going to rock. This weekend was basically ROCKSTAR. Friday, I went to a free concert on the water where I saw Andy Grammer (whom I have a MAJOR crush on now, btw), Gavin DeGraw (all of my One Tree Hill dreams came alive when I heard "I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin' to be lately..."), and Colbie Caillat. Gorgeous girl. 

Here's me during the hour between shows where we had to entertain ourselves with nothing but a hat and a camera. 

Yes, that guy behind me is about to eat a giant ear of corn. Just go with it.

THEN, Saturday, it was a PHOTO EXTRAVAGANZA. And I mean that in every sense of the word. There were photos six ways from Sunday, and I was scandalized--um, I mean extravaganized. I went with Lisa Warden--my godsister if we're being detailed--and Anna Slaven Miller, who will tell you that "we're one person in two bodies," but since she's up and moving to Indiana soon, our soul-mate-ness is going to be confined to Facebook for the foreseeable future. If you want to know THEIR side of the story (which is only accurate when it isn't inaccurate) you can read Lisa's here and Anna's here. 

They are hugely entertaining and they have a better memory than me so their posts are probably more interesting than mine. You should read them. 

As for my experience, first, it needs to be said that I SUCK at taking pictures. I don't know shizz about lighting and angles and whatever. I just point and click. whatever. But I wanted to hang with these chics so I bought a camera and geared up. I even played with it a little the night before we left so I would know how to point it and how to click it. #ReadyForAnything #UnlessItsComplicated

We went via ferry. That's a boat for all you landlocked peeps. A boat you park your car on. And even though I only live about 40 min (or 80, if Lisa's driving) from the ferry, I've never ridden it. So this is exciting. An adventure. I played it cool, though, trying not to look like a newbie. Up until we asked the guy at the gate where to park and he says, "This is your first time, I can tell." Then politely points us to park in a straight line behind the car in front of us, along the painted straight line on the single-file row leading onto the vessel. 

So, I'm new. This is normal. 

(One of my favorite things to fuss at my kids: "are you new?". because I don't believe in calling a kid "dumb." #ApprovedAlternate)

I realized pretty fast I hadn't missed anything spectacular all these years never riding the ferry. The traffic consisted of one drunk captain who stared at the mast all day (really hope that thing operated on auto-pilot or something), one Marilyn-wannabe who stood on the balcony the entire time, content to let her dress blow up around her ears, and one bum passed out in the seat of his car with his jaw hanging open. (It was 9am, which sorta' makes it worse. I'm pretty sure he was breathing. I think.) 

Our day sort of consisted of these random "are they/we serious?" kind of moments. but none of it compared to the hilarity of our escapades. A quick and dirty recap: (you don't have to understand, simply be amused and jealous that you missed it) 

I used a bathroom in a McDonald's/gas station combo. *shudders* That one still confuses me but yet makes perfect sense. (As if McD's isn't gross enough on its own, they put it in a gas station?!) We saw a sign that said "Hog Traffic." <---- Only in NC. You can't make this shizz up. Oh and a "Beware of Dog" sign in the middle of a cornfield. No house in sight. Except for the doghouse. 

There were bad directions ("turn left." so she turns right.), blueberries consumed, domestic disturbances witnessed ("Is that an inflatable canoe?" "OMG they're going to capsize if he doesn't quit thrashing around!"), #YourMom jokes dropped. ("This cookie is yum, what's in it?" "Your mom.", and "Oh, look, an upscale furniture resale store." "your mom is upscale.") Yeah, I don't get the whole "Resale" and "Upscale" situation, either. Seems kinda' like putting a pawn shop inside Tiffany's. 

BTW- Yes, the "Your Mom" jokes were from me. I'm a sucker for a Momma' joke. 

We even discussed politics without getting into a fight about our different views. (Lisa would vote for Kermit the Frog, all the way. Apparently he does whatever she says. I don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds vulgar. So I didn't ask. Whatever she's into, I won't judge.)

There were so many funny moments and "WTF, did that just happen?" scenarios, I can't even tell you. I'm pretty sure we evaded a hatchet hitch-hiker, spotted a bar that doubles as a butchery. (yes, it said BUTCHERY/BREWERY on the sign, with a kids playground outside. Figure that one out.) Oh, and discovered the bridge leading out of (but not into) Kitty Hawk doubles as a trampoline. I guess they had shocks on it, because we bounced pretty good. it was awesome. mostly because I don't get carsick, or have an irrational fear of bridges, not like Anna, anyway. #SucksForYou)

All in all, a fun day. 

On a serious note (bear with me, it won't last long):

The reason I'm telling you all this is because I want to tell you about my friend situation. Over these past few months, I've done a lot of thinking. Most of you know my story by now, and the amazing five days I had with Tyler before he went to Heaven last December. If you don't, you should read about it here. It was pretty defining for me. Since then, I've thought about my life. A lot. It seems a pretty inevitable side effect when one comes face to face with death. 

One of the things I've thought about was my identity. It might not seem like the two are connected right off the bat, but they are. When I lost Tyler, for a while, I didn't want to --and couldn't-- identify with being a mom. Not his, anyway. I lost that identity. It shook me, made me wonder who I was in other areas of my life. It also reminded me how short life is, and how I need to be true to myself and who I want to be, during the short amount of time I have here. Which led me to really prioritize myself. Goals, Identity, personality, dreams, plans, hopes -- you get the idea. In the end, a full-scale overhaul of my life took place. Personal and professional. And I made some serious changes. Things I needed to do, for me, to be happy, and be true to myself. Both things I wasn't living up to before. 

After careful consideration, I realized some of the changes needed were friendships. Some I'd outgrown, some were never right to begin with, most were filled with negativity and pessimism and complaining that life would never be better, though I suspect they'd rather it stayed awful because they are simply content to complain. So, as guilty as it made me feel, I cut them. Some were only acquaintances and probably didn't even notice the change. Some were long-time friends. Close friends. People I'd known for years. Those were the hardest. The ones I had to explain it to, or easily noticed the change. At first, I felt bad, reluctant to do it, because I hated that I would hurt their feelings, but then I realized the importance of standing up for myself, and what I needed. And I have to tell you, even though I do feel badly for any hurt feelings on their part, I am very glad I did it. I am happier. And I've opened myself up to make new friends, like Lisa and Anna. Something I never would have done before. 

And I have to tell you, I like this new me. The one who stands up for herself. The one who seeks adventure, who values positivity and people that build her up. The one who has given herself permission to be ambitious and goal-seeking and HAPPY and spontaneous.

Chalene Johnson has a great article about toxic friends and choosing friends who inspire you, who make you better. It was one of the things that inspired me to choose wisely. Hopefully, it will do the same for you. 

Quickie Announcements: 

Places you can find me (and possibly win free shizz)

Goodreads giveaway for Whisper ends in 4 days

Accendo is having a summer guest post series by authors you love to stalk. check it out!  GIVEAWAY!

Estevan Vega let me take over his blog to tell you why I write YA. 

Katja Rinne let me talk about being indie, what that means to me. GIVEAWAY!

**AND there MIGHT be something interesting happening this Thursday that you should watch for. Release info on a certain book you are all waiting for. 

I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting. My brain feels kinda' mushy. I'll add them as I think about it. 

Predictions... courtesy of a scotch-sipping psychic

My good friend, and mentor of the occasional lunch-date variety, Warren Murphy, stopped by and left me with this article. He wrote it over ten years ago, predicting the future of e-books. Or, what I like to call: the present. I thought it was interesting to see how spot-on he was then--and now. 

The Millennium.  And about time, too.

The French, who seem to have a dopey statement for every occasion, have this one too:  Le plus ca change, le plus c’est la meme chose. The more things change, the more they remain the same.

Hoohaw, not this time, Pierre. Not any more. Not in publishing. The times, they are a’changin’ and changing for good.  And the only wonder is why it took so long.  

I once wrote an article for some rag about the warm feeling I got holding my new book and thinking that it started with blank paper and now it helped contribute to the magic of publishing. Until I realized that I was holding the book and still hadn’t been paid for acceptance of the manuscript. Why not? Well, admittedly some blame is mine. I should have paid more attention but I had been drunk for some time and was beyond bookkeeping detritus. The publisher? He just didn’t give a damn. I could wait because he didn’t need me for another year until my next book was done.

Writers, you see, come last. That bears repeating: in the old world of publishing, writers always come last.

          Item: They’ll pay millions and millions for the bio of some guy who makes lightbulbs—“golf, next Tuesday, Jack?”—but can’t find any money to foster their young writers.

          Item: Books are savaged and careers destroyed by surly snots who write anonymous reviews and publishers can’t be bothered to protest this institutionalized corruption. “Hey, writers are always bitching. Who cares? Besides, we’ve got the new Socks-the-Cat book to hump.”

          Item: Slush piles and lost manuscripts and editors who can’t edit but are kept around because they have a good eye for what sold well yesterday, and reserves-against-returns and bookkeeping practices that would befuddle Stephen Hawking.... Just look, and you see an industry that is not only in full retreat but is fleeing the battlefield with its pants around its ankles.

And why not? So many good publishers, good editors, and all suffocating in an industry whose business practices were old a hundred years ago and dumb even earlier than that.

Old boys, lean close. I’ve got a secret for you. It’s over. We Trotskyite deviationists used to warn, “Comes the Revolution.” Well, it’s here and it’s called electronic publishing. E-books. Print on demand. Downloads in seconds; pocket readers no bigger than Gameboy units. A world in which no book is ever out of print. No reserves. No returns. No industry regularly held hostage by West Coast treehuggers driving up paper prices. Royalties of 50 percent, not six, and paid monthly.

Hello? Anybody home?

The estimable agent-cum-publisher-cum-futurist Richard Curtis commented not long ago how publishing theorists complained about the impossibility of the marketplace absorbing the 50,000 books published every year in America. “What,” Maestro Curtis wondered aloud, “will they say when the figure reaches 500,000?”

We’ll find out soon.

Now, don’t think this brave new world comes without pain and suffering. Birth rarely does. There will be an amazing amount of junk published, although one is tempted to ask, in an ocean of celebrity biographies, as opposed to what? And a lot will depend on technology that is still shaking the bugs out of its cuffs. But it’ll arrive. And the signs of success are already here. Stephen King, as he so often does, has shown a lot of young writers the yellow brick road to the future. Melisse Rose rode her book from on-line self published to the Times best seller list. Even as we speak, more are coming.

Imagine, writers with power over their own work. And readers too, learning from other readers what books are good, instead of relying on the corrupt opinions of a few institutional halfwits.

Not convinced? Think the internet is just a flash in the pan? Then, ostrich-person, consider this:  a couple of young guys made a movie, two minutes long, and posted it on the internet. Why not? It’s cheap, fun, and no law against it. This little film was titled “True,” and it hung around online and then was seen by an ad-man who brought it to his agency who brought it to their client and thus began the saga of the ubiquitous beer commercial “Whassup? Whassup? Whassup?” If the movie cost $5 to make, the creators overpaid. But now one of them has a contract to develop a sitcom; his partners are media stars and getting rich. Because of a two-minute homemade movie. That’s internet power.

And, dear publishers, your business is next. Just over that hill, the crowds are massing, manuscripts in hand, and their attack will begin very soon. Do yourselves a favor:  sue for peace.

Warren is the author of about a gazillion books, including The Destroyer series, Grandmaster, and The Forever King <--- one of my favorite books EVER. You can check Warren out here on Facebook. 

Kool-aid, no sugar ... and other quotables.

I don't normally set out to write a blog post of rambling.
Normally.
But it's Friday. I've had coffee. I ain't got sh*t to do ...!
(sorry, I can't help but channel Chris Tucker, aka Smokey, whenever I hear the words "it's Friday.")

Craig Jones: We ain't got no sugar. 
Smokey: No sugar? Damn. Y'all ain't never got two things that match. Either y'all got Kool-aid, no sugar. Peanut butter, no jelly. Ham, no burger. Daaamn. 


I love this movie. And Player's Club. Ice Cube was the shizz in the '90's. I could rap every word to every song on that soundtrack, ESPECIALLY We be Clubbin' and Who are You Lovin'! #WhiteGirlRapper


And in case you're just now realizing this about me, I love quoting movie lines. It's my sister's fault. (Thank you, Lisa.) She and I started all the way back in our Little Mermaid Days and it spiraled from there. Not to mention, we love classic musicals so we sang a lot of our quotes. Newsies, (That my cigar? You'll steal anudda'... Hey bumma's we got work to do. Since when did you become me mudda? Ah, stop you're bawling. Hey- Who asked you?) <---For Lisa and a little bit for Matt ;) 


Then there was Oklahoma, South Pacific ("I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair.") and The King and I. Loved that one. ("Shall we dance?" ba-dum-dum-dum) And the best part was that by high school she and I could have entire conversations using nothing but movie lines, and no one else got it. It was like our own secret language; the 90's kid version of pig latin. Except now, she watches a lot of 'B' movies and quotes stuff that I'm like "WTF is that from?" (Foot-foot, you smell like a paduket. <---for you, Lisa!) and some weird one with Zooey Deschanel and her boyfriend, who always had life-altering relationship decisions in front of a swing set at a deserted park. Then there was the one where the guy had a blow-up girlfriend... Lars and the Real Girl. HAHAHAHA! Yeah, that was a weird one. And those are just the ones I've tried to watch with her. She has eclectic taste. 


OH, and don't ask me what a paduket is. I have no clue. but it must smell pretty gross. Like cabbage or something. 

(Your mom smells like cabbage.) Okay, still channeling my sister. I'll try and reign it in. 



Why am I telling you all this? 
I got thinking about it--and the fact that I probably haven't detailed this habit of mine--because I recently did an interview over at the Readiacs and one of the questions was this:


Tell us one thing about Heather Hildenbrand that we won’t be able to find on the Internet?


You can read my entire answer here, along with the rest of the interview, AND enter for the giveaway. Basically, I disclosed this little movie quoting habit as my answer. And btw- this was prob one of the most fun interview questions I've ever had. Thanks for the opp Readiacs! 


Oh another favorite is The Sandlot. Not just the "You're killing me, Smalls" line, because everyone says that one, but the whole 'mallow roasting scene. "You want s'more?" ... "How can I have s'more? I haven't  had any yet."

("You play ball like a GIRL!")

Love it! 

Oh and the 3 Ninjas ... "Let's murder-lize 'em!" --Tum-Tum

We have all four 3 Ninja movies. (Yeah, I didn't remember there being four, either. Mostly because the later ones weren't good.) My son loves them almost as much as my little brother did when we were kids. 

And then, of course, there's Napolean Dynamite -- the entire movie was one long quote. All of it was repeatable. And everyone repeated it. Especially "gosh" and "I'm training to be a cage-fighter." I still tell everyone my favorite animal is a liger. 

But I think the best semi-recent quotable flick, for me, is Superbad. 

I CLUCKING love this movie.

"Take off that vest, you look like Aladdin."

Hahaha, and McLovin ... "WHAT? One Name? You are you? Seal?"

This one is at the top of the list. 

AND--

Now that my kids are old enough to really catch on, they've started doing it, too. (Just not with Superbad. What kind of a mother do you think I am?? Don't answer that... keep reading.) They're not quite on the same level, (yet) but it's there. When they need to say a bad word, they channel Ramona and Beezus and shout "Guts!"  and we've watched Transformers: Dark of the Moon so many times, my 6yr son walks around saying "Deep Wang, Deep Wang" from the bathroom stall scene where everyone thinks Asian-guy is going to whip it out on Sam. Prodigy, I tell ya'.

Obviously, I could go on and on with these different examples, past and present. (As you've probably already guessed.) But instead, I'll end it and ask: What's your favorite movie for quoting? 

Or just post the quote and see if I can guess the movie! 

Surviving the DMV... and blind drivers

I had to go to the DMV today (Department of Motor Vehicles, for those living 'cross continents and oceans and have no idea to what I refer) to renew my license. It's the 7-year mark, which means I can't do it online. They wanted a new picture, an updated signature, and also to make sure I hadn't gone blind. Scratch that, they'll still give you a license if you're blind. That explains 50% of the drivers on the road. Anyway, I HAD to go in person.

I've been putting it off. I hate the DMV. They change what paperwork you need every 3.5 hours so that no matter how prepared you think you are for a transaction, you ALWAYS have to leave and come back. Then, each transaction gets a specific number, like vanity plates are A. And people who don't have their paperwork are R. And if all you're doing is turning in old plates--it is beyond retarded that you have to take a number for this instead of handing them to the lady at the front desk who screens each person as they walk in, and hands out clipboards like it's her sole purpose in life--get letter Q or some shizz. And peeps renewing their license, they get letter B, at least today.

Having letter B does not mean you are called right after A, or in any similar timely fashion.

Because there is a number beside  B on the ticket. Mine was 50. They were on number 40 when I got there. B40. *sigh* This is going to take forever. I have a sneaking suspicion that on your first day of work as a DMV employee, you must raise your right hand and "solemnly swear" to  be solemn... and SLOW. That you must do whatever you can--whatever necessary--to make sure time drags, and customers' feet and bums go numb whilst waiting in the flimsy, cheap, hard-backed chairs that comprise the waiting room. All of which have been set up facing the counter, so we can watch the slowness as it unfolds before us. Like a soap opera in a foreign language with no subtitles-set in slow-motion.

Some customers don't seem to mind it. Like the lady three chairs down on my left. Her number (B41) was called some time after I sat down and started trolling Twitter in response to the impending boredom. She jumped up out of her chair BINGO-hall style, all smiles and giggles, saying "It's me, it's me. They called ME."

Uh, this is not the lottery lady. You didn't hit it big. 

She proceeds to bounce/skip up to the counter while throwing an "I'm so nervous!"over her shoulder to the woman I assume is her mother. Maybe she's getting her license for the first time, instead of renewed? Except she looks old enough to be MY mother... and, no... as I continue watching and listening--because what else is there to do in a place like this?--I hear that she is, in fact, simply renewing her license.


Some customers come ready for the wait. And I almost can't knock their flannel pajama bottoms paired with an oversized Tweety Bird tee that doesn't quite cover their muffin-top bellies because, hey, they're in it for the long haul. They came prepared and comfortable, just in case this thing drags over into bedtime. Gotta' admire planning.


Then there's the mom who bounces her not-quite-two and not-quite-cute little girl on her lap. You know, the toddler who is now eyeing the guy in front of me--the one with the dreds--with a decidedly "mankiller" glint in her eye. And aww, doesn't mom just think that's adorable of her little prodigy. Lady, you've got "Baby Daddy" pasted on your forehead. Or maybe your license plate. I'm not judging.

This bring us to the 1.5 hour mark, at which time B50 is finally called over the computerized intercom.

It's me! I'm so nervous!

This is the part where my customer service rep says "hello," takes my paperwork, (Blessed Mother Mary, it's all CORRECT. I do not have to go home and print a different form and come back.) and then launch into a whole "I totaled my car and now I'm gonna get me a settlement" conversation with her friend. All while shooting me smiles and nodding at random intervals to let me know "I'm really paying attention to you, the customer, I swear."

I do the eye exam. She tells me to read line 1--the biggest line. I do. Box a- X C G F or something else equally random. Box b- Q R S T, whatever. "And what's in the last box?" she asks.

"Um, it's blank?" I respond. I'm confused. All I see in this box c is white.

She frowns and types something.

"Uh, it wasn't empty?" I ask.

she shakes her head. The last box wasn't empty. I think there was a pin prick I was supposed to see. or maybe it was a trick, because she won't tell me what I was supposed to see. If I fail because of a trick question....

THIS is, by the way, where my favorite term used for threatening violence comes from: I will cut you with my license. (The butter knife came later. Long story for another post.)

Either way, I pass, because remember, they don't care if you can't see. You just have to pay the $32 and "maintain a neutral expression for the camera" and in 7-10 days, you'll receive a Virginia driver's license in the mail.

"Thank you, have a nice day."

Out of the ashes...

I believe that if I should die, and you were to walk near my grave,
from the very depths of the earth, I would hear your footsteps.
-Benito Perez Galdos


As most of you know, (and if you don't you can read about it here) I gave birth to a baby boy in December who, unbeknownst to us throughout the pregnancy, had a heart problem. He was born very sick and died five days later at the UVA Children's Hospital in Charlottesville, VA. Those five days have understandably impacted me in a way that I cannot describe, as has the grief that follows that sort of loss. 


What that means for my personal life is that I take it one day at a time, one breath at a time, and I spend a lot of time remembering while simultaneously trying to forget - at least to the point where I can get through. 

What that means for my writing is that I wasn't able to jump into my next scheduled project (book 3 in my Dirty Blood series). Instead, I started something new. At first, it was simply journaling. A way to pour out the emotion that was way too big to remain contained inside me. But then it evolved, as most stories do, and it became something more. It became Whisper. The character herself is reflective of me but also, of everyone who has lost someone dear to them. She is the voice of our collective grief. She is you. 

Whisper's story is one of loss, but also one of acceptance and new life found. There are paranormal elements and love, which makes it a Paranormal Romance. But its different than most. Its no doubt bigger and heavier than what you're reading now. That's the point. My hope is that you will connect with it, in some way. That you will be encouraged by it. That you will see the hope in it, for Whisper, and maybe even for yourself. 

I wouldn't have made the decision to publish Whisper without all of the support and encouragement I've received from readers and bloggers and friends. I sincerely hope my journey will be of some help or leave a lasting mark somewhere, with someone who needs it. I have to believe that my story has meaning and a purpose. That something amazing will come out of the ashes. 

* * *

Now, on to the goodies -- because there must always be goodies. The tour I've put together, to launch Whisper, is titled "Fact or Fiction". The reason is that so much of Whisper came out of my own life, that I thought it would be fun to share which is which. Braine at Talking Supe made up the fabuloso button for us. Feel free to grab it! 

The tour schedule is listed below, with each blogger featuring a different post that explains which topics featured in Whisper are "Fact" and which are "Fiction". For example:

Cherokee background: Fiction - I am not Native American, though that would be awesome, because then I would have a year-round tan and look good in leather skirts. (I mean that in a seriously impressed and not racist kind of way). Actually, I am Dutch and German.My dad's family is from Holland, MI. And there is a town in Germany called Dannenberg, which is my maiden name. 

Dannenberg City Hall, Germany

This gives an idea of what I'll reveal on the tour. There are giveaways at each stop, so be sure to check them all and enter! 

A Diary of A Book Addict - 4/19

AwesomeSauce Book Club - 4/20

What's Your Story Book Reviews - 4/21

Cambria Hebert, Author of Masquerade - 4/22

A Book Vacation - 4/23 - SIGNED PB giveaway! 

The Bookish Babes - 4/24

Nightly Reading & Taking It One Book At A Time - 4/25

Magnet 4 Books - 4/26

Talking Supe - 4/27

SupaGurl Books - 4/28

Seeing Night Reviews - 4/29

The Rest Is Still Unwritten - 4/30

Bookerella Reviews - 5/1

Also, happening on Accendo's site is a hop sponsored by I am a Reader, Not a Writer, where we are giving away a paperback copy of The Immortal Rules by Julie Kagawa, avail on April 24th. Be sure to get in on that! 

Some Announcements... and also, butter knives are dangerous

This post is all about letting you know. "Because the more you know.... the better." <--- That would be a cheesy line from a local TV station we had growing up. It was their signature whatever.

Anyway.

First, you need to know that I have a new book coming soon. Whisper will be out April 19th -ISH. Here's the cover, done by Char Adlesberger (genius!) on the right-hand side bar. --------->

What do you think? Gorgeous, right? She does good work. Okay so it will be out for Kindle and Nook for $2.99. I'm not sure how much the paperback will be. Hopefully around $11 like the others. I'll see what I can do. And if you click the cover picture on the right side of the blog, you can add it to your TBR pile on Goodreads.

Whisper is special to me because it came about as a much-needed journalling project after Tyler died. I think that is an entire blog post in itself that I will have to do another time. but there is ALOT of my emotional "Stuff" in there so the MC is a version of myself in a way. My sister is beta reading for me and she called and was like "whaaa? There's a lot of hints of us and our own childhood in this thing." Yeah, I know. Go with it.

And its a little different from my other titles thus far. There's reincarnation and possibly an immortal or two, and death is faced and conquered. As in my real life.

Oh and a hot Indian boy ;) #requiredingredient

I am looking forward to hearing what you all think of it.

Also, on the list of announcements, Across the Galaxy is FREE through Saturday for Kindle. Here's the linky:
ATG FREE  It's currently like #4 in Sci-Fi Adventure, with Bob Mayer's Atlantis and other uber-amazing stuff. Nice list to be on.

I've always been against the idea of offering my work for free because I know my work has value. Books take a long time to write. And its hard, its work, its frustrating and amazing and makes you want to gouge your eyes out one minute and weep at your own genius the next. THAT should not be free, in my opinion.

But I've been pretty overwhelmed of late. With all the love and support from readers and the lovely mail I get encouraging me about Tyler. And I wanted to give something back. So, this is my thank you for your support. If you've already read it, pass the link on to a friend who hasn't. But this is for you guys. Thanks. I love ya.

Also, Decended by Blood by Angelina Kace - a fellow Accendo Press author of mine - is FREE this weekend as well. its got the hottest vamp you've ever seen. Mirko. He's on my sidebar. You can look but you cannot touch. He's mine. I will cut you with a butterknife. (incidentally, that's something i ALWAYS say and then "Lo and behold" guess what I did to my OWN HAND yesterday? Embarrassing, totally.) So be sure to get that for Kindle while freedom rings. Linky here.


And lastly, and possibly most important, and definitely most interesting:

My friend/sensei/mentor/drinking buddy/lunch date/role model/husband's golf partner (I could go on but you get the idea) Warren Murphy, author of the The Destroyer series, Grandmaster, and my favorite book EVER, The Forever King, has just released a new book (he's come out of retirement AND hiding for this.)

It's called Savage Song and its a novella (25k words) and its AMAZING!!!

As a rule I do not usually review or recommend books, especially from the platform of my blog. but this. THIS. . . this is an exception of epic proportions. Here's the cover and synopsis:

She is the world's greatest entertainer;  in a few brief years, she has changed show business forever and tens of millions of people follow her every move.  Now it looks like someone is trying to end her career for good. She's not the kind to roll over and play dead for anybody.

Enter Remo Williams, the Destroyer, and Chiun, the Master of Sinanju and the world's greatest assassin...who has a warm spot in his heart for the singing star.  Killers, stand back.  You're messing with the wrong girl and you ain't seen nothing yet.

Available for your Kindle 3/23/12

Her name is Madam Googoo! sound familiar? haha. It's great! There's humor and a badass assasin and rock stars and guessing the intended identities of each "name changed to protect the innocent" was a lot of fun. So be sure to check it out. You'll be hooked! 

Also- there is a contest going on at their blog. They are giving away a Kindle Fire, so be sure to enter. Linky here. 

There are two kinds of people in this world.

"There are two kinds of people in this world.
There are thinkers and there are doers.
There's winners, there's cool guys, and there's buddies..."
- Sam Witwiki, Transformers 3
I love this movie. Sam Witwiki is one of the best characters ever created, second to his parents.

Speaking of Winners.....
Congrats to Sarah K!!!!

You've won a signed paperback of Across the Galaxy with the new cover, in all its glory - Woot Woot!  Thanks for following along on the blog tour and showing Across the Galaxy the love it deserves. I will be doing more giveaways with the new cover coming up soon. So stay tuned. Hint- one will be available to you ONLY if you are a newsletter recipient so if you haven't already signed up for that, do it now. The "when" and "where" will be random and spontaneous so keep an eye out in your inbox ;)

Also coming up is a "Big Reveal" of the biggest and most revealing nature so stay tuned for that, as well.

Okay so now I am going to get serious for a sec.

Most of you know that I gave birth to a baby boy in December and he passed away five days later. His diagnosis was cardiomyopathy, heart muscle disease. His name was Tyler. I did a blog post after letting everyone know because my pregnancy was sort of common knowledge in the blogosphere, and then I did a follow-up post in January talking about that first month of recovery, or mourning, or whatever it should be called.

Since then, I've gotten quite a few emails and messages from readers and bloggers. Some, like me, have lost babies or children at a young age. Some are struggling with how to cope with a sick or disabled child. Some just want me to know their thoughts and/or prayers are with me. ALL of them told me how encouraged they are by my story and my willingness to share. I've received countless comments, compliments, and encouragement about my "strength and bravery."

Let me say first that I am beyond flattered. I did not anticipate that reaction. It sort of baffles me actually, because I don't feel like I've done anything worthy of that sort of admiration. I've trudged along day-to-day, and I get out of bed in the mornings. I pack lunches and drive to soccer practice. (so we showed up at the wrong field that first day, I got it right eventually!) And I write, because that's a constant release that I couldn't operate without. But there's plenty you don't see. I snap at my kids and husband for no good reason. I dam up the tears most days lately because if I let them come, the pain is so crushing I think I'll die under its weight. I still have the crib up because I feel like taking it down would be moving on. I'm not ready for that. There are things you don't see. Evidence of grief. Its important you know that.

But maybe me telling you this sort of thing is exactly WHY its encouraging. Maybe we all need to feel like we're not alone, whether its misery or joy. Maybe my reaction isn't your reaction. Sometimes I am blown away at how easily I've accepted Tyler's death. Not that its easy. Don't hear me wrong. But I've accepted it as what was best for him. I'm not angry. At least not at any person or at God. And that is a big blessing to me. Because I'm twisted up enough with the sadness to know I'd be a mess with all that anger heaped on top. And maybe your reaction would be anger. I've been there, about other stuff in my life. I've felt victimized. Maybe that's why I don't anymore. but maybe you would. Or you do.

I can't address that, because I'm not willing to offer two cents on something I don't feel. But the sadness is huge enough that I can get that. I can get wanting to ignore it because it feels too big to embrace. I can get feeling heavy under its weight. I can get the longing. I'm sure there are more types of grief than just my own that this would be fitting for.

Hopefully telling you how I feel and where I'm at encourages you. Because I have no words of wisdom to offer, except that they tell me it gets easier. Not healed, just better than it is. And hopefully simply knowing you aren't alone is uplifting. I'm not sure if what I'm doing here makes me brave or courageous. Maybe living in the face of death does. Or maybe its willing to admit that you struggle. If so, I'm a warrior. And so are you. Everyone struggles. I think its your reaction to it that makes you who you are.

As for my writing, as I said before, I am still hard at work because telling someone else's story is the best escape from my own. And it does make me feel better to pour some of it into someone else and then pour them onto paper. I was scheduled to get right into Book 3 of the Dirty Blood series, but after everything that happened with Tyler I decided to take a break from that. I need to get my head screwed on straight before I can get back to Tara and the gang. They deserve witty and funny and sexy. I don't feel much of any of that right now but I'll get there. At least on paper.

And lastly, because I want to leave you on the up-slope, click below. This was the first belly laugh I had after Tyler. Mostly because my six-year old keeps walking around the house talking about "one-legged ninjas."

"ReLaunch Across The Galaxy" Blog Hop

In January 2011 I published Across The Galaxy.

January 22nd to be exact - (Happy Birthday Lisa! <--- my sister)

13 months later Across The Galaxy has sold hundreds of copies and has allowed me to become part of the BEST online community of writers and bloggers I can imagine exists.

I am so grateful to this story in my head and the One who gave me the passion to get it out onto paper (or comp screen). I'm also grateful to my mentor and sensei: Warren Murphy. (Author of The Forever King, one of my top 5 fav books ever!) Without him, I would've never heard of JA Konrath or the e-publishing revolution that was already underway when I came into the picture.

And mostly - thanks to everyone who has bought and read this book. I wouldn't be here without readers. Its still sort of surreal to get 'fan mail' and letters from people who just want to thank me for writing and providing them with a way to escape their every day 'stuff'. Surreal but awesome!

Now, even though this reads like a sappy acknowledgement page in a book, I'm not usually the mushy type so let's move on...

Marking a year as a self-published author is pretty exciting when not only has that much time passed already, but I'm now making the kind of money writing that I would've made off an advance from NY for these titles. Woot Woot!! And I am sooo happy doing it myself because that means I can do something fun and crazy like change a cover anytime I want.

And since I can, I did. Here's the background on that decision.

Across the Galaxy's original cover was made by a professional photographer. He used a stock background and snapped a really cool pose of my cousin Krystle (Twitter name: @KrystylePole if you want to tell her how awesome she looks!) - who, by the way, is in Vegas this weekend competing in a Pole fitness competition. Go Krystle!!!!

Okay, back to the point. Anyway so my love for ths cover is deep and completely biased because of the story behind the cover. That being said, the marketer in me knew this cover needed... something. The cover competition out there is hard, and even though I love this one, its not necessarily competing to get your attention like so many other YA fantasy covers.

Enter Char Adlesberger. College student from Colorado and GENIUS cover artist! She took my book description and my request for something "edgy" and gave me this!!!

A-MA-zing!!!!!!!!!

So, now that I've caught your eye, on to the details of the HOP. Because I can't do something as cool as a new cover and NOT give stuff away!!!

The schedule is listed below. Each blogger will feature the book and brand new synopsis along with a giveaway of an e-book version of the book. Some will also host a review, interview, or fun facts about yours truly. On the last day, head over to Accendo Press' site (my publishing group) to enter to win a Kindle cover with signed bookmarks!!

2/26/12 - Cambria Hebert, A Diary of a Book Addict

2/27/12 - Nightly Reading

2/28/12 - AwesomeSauce Books

2/29/12- Magnet 4 Books

3/1/12- Fiktshun

3/2/12- Taking It One Book At A Time, Bookish Babes

3/3/12- The Readiacs

3/4/12- Sassy Book Lovers

3/5/12- Talk Supe, A Book Vacation

3/6/12 - Accendo Press  - giveaway of a Kindle cover and e-book of your choice!

And now for the BEST part of this post - You can enter here to win a prize pack from me that includes signed bookmark swag for Dirty Blood (pictured above) and Descended By Blood by Angeline Kace - and a signed paperback of Across The Galaxy with the brand new cover!!

check it:

Here's how to enter:
Leave a comment with your email address below. For an extra entry you can 1- become a follower of the blog and 2- tweet about the giveaway and new cover. Mention me: @HeatherHildenbr in the tweet so I can track your entries.

The contest ends 3/12 and the winner will be announced 3/13. Good luck!