Kool-aid, no sugar ... and other quotables.

I don't normally set out to write a blog post of rambling.
Normally.
But it's Friday. I've had coffee. I ain't got sh*t to do ...!
(sorry, I can't help but channel Chris Tucker, aka Smokey, whenever I hear the words "it's Friday.")

Craig Jones: We ain't got no sugar. 
Smokey: No sugar? Damn. Y'all ain't never got two things that match. Either y'all got Kool-aid, no sugar. Peanut butter, no jelly. Ham, no burger. Daaamn. 


I love this movie. And Player's Club. Ice Cube was the shizz in the '90's. I could rap every word to every song on that soundtrack, ESPECIALLY We be Clubbin' and Who are You Lovin'! #WhiteGirlRapper


And in case you're just now realizing this about me, I love quoting movie lines. It's my sister's fault. (Thank you, Lisa.) She and I started all the way back in our Little Mermaid Days and it spiraled from there. Not to mention, we love classic musicals so we sang a lot of our quotes. Newsies, (That my cigar? You'll steal anudda'... Hey bumma's we got work to do. Since when did you become me mudda? Ah, stop you're bawling. Hey- Who asked you?) <---For Lisa and a little bit for Matt ;) 


Then there was Oklahoma, South Pacific ("I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair.") and The King and I. Loved that one. ("Shall we dance?" ba-dum-dum-dum) And the best part was that by high school she and I could have entire conversations using nothing but movie lines, and no one else got it. It was like our own secret language; the 90's kid version of pig latin. Except now, she watches a lot of 'B' movies and quotes stuff that I'm like "WTF is that from?" (Foot-foot, you smell like a paduket. <---for you, Lisa!) and some weird one with Zooey Deschanel and her boyfriend, who always had life-altering relationship decisions in front of a swing set at a deserted park. Then there was the one where the guy had a blow-up girlfriend... Lars and the Real Girl. HAHAHAHA! Yeah, that was a weird one. And those are just the ones I've tried to watch with her. She has eclectic taste. 


OH, and don't ask me what a paduket is. I have no clue. but it must smell pretty gross. Like cabbage or something. 

(Your mom smells like cabbage.) Okay, still channeling my sister. I'll try and reign it in. 



Why am I telling you all this? 
I got thinking about it--and the fact that I probably haven't detailed this habit of mine--because I recently did an interview over at the Readiacs and one of the questions was this:


Tell us one thing about Heather Hildenbrand that we won’t be able to find on the Internet?


You can read my entire answer here, along with the rest of the interview, AND enter for the giveaway. Basically, I disclosed this little movie quoting habit as my answer. And btw- this was prob one of the most fun interview questions I've ever had. Thanks for the opp Readiacs! 


Oh another favorite is The Sandlot. Not just the "You're killing me, Smalls" line, because everyone says that one, but the whole 'mallow roasting scene. "You want s'more?" ... "How can I have s'more? I haven't  had any yet."

("You play ball like a GIRL!")

Love it! 

Oh and the 3 Ninjas ... "Let's murder-lize 'em!" --Tum-Tum

We have all four 3 Ninja movies. (Yeah, I didn't remember there being four, either. Mostly because the later ones weren't good.) My son loves them almost as much as my little brother did when we were kids. 

And then, of course, there's Napolean Dynamite -- the entire movie was one long quote. All of it was repeatable. And everyone repeated it. Especially "gosh" and "I'm training to be a cage-fighter." I still tell everyone my favorite animal is a liger. 

But I think the best semi-recent quotable flick, for me, is Superbad. 

I CLUCKING love this movie.

"Take off that vest, you look like Aladdin."

Hahaha, and McLovin ... "WHAT? One Name? You are you? Seal?"

This one is at the top of the list. 

AND--

Now that my kids are old enough to really catch on, they've started doing it, too. (Just not with Superbad. What kind of a mother do you think I am?? Don't answer that... keep reading.) They're not quite on the same level, (yet) but it's there. When they need to say a bad word, they channel Ramona and Beezus and shout "Guts!"  and we've watched Transformers: Dark of the Moon so many times, my 6yr son walks around saying "Deep Wang, Deep Wang" from the bathroom stall scene where everyone thinks Asian-guy is going to whip it out on Sam. Prodigy, I tell ya'.

Obviously, I could go on and on with these different examples, past and present. (As you've probably already guessed.) But instead, I'll end it and ask: What's your favorite movie for quoting? 

Or just post the quote and see if I can guess the movie! 

Surviving the DMV... and blind drivers

I had to go to the DMV today (Department of Motor Vehicles, for those living 'cross continents and oceans and have no idea to what I refer) to renew my license. It's the 7-year mark, which means I can't do it online. They wanted a new picture, an updated signature, and also to make sure I hadn't gone blind. Scratch that, they'll still give you a license if you're blind. That explains 50% of the drivers on the road. Anyway, I HAD to go in person.

I've been putting it off. I hate the DMV. They change what paperwork you need every 3.5 hours so that no matter how prepared you think you are for a transaction, you ALWAYS have to leave and come back. Then, each transaction gets a specific number, like vanity plates are A. And people who don't have their paperwork are R. And if all you're doing is turning in old plates--it is beyond retarded that you have to take a number for this instead of handing them to the lady at the front desk who screens each person as they walk in, and hands out clipboards like it's her sole purpose in life--get letter Q or some shizz. And peeps renewing their license, they get letter B, at least today.

Having letter B does not mean you are called right after A, or in any similar timely fashion.

Because there is a number beside  B on the ticket. Mine was 50. They were on number 40 when I got there. B40. *sigh* This is going to take forever. I have a sneaking suspicion that on your first day of work as a DMV employee, you must raise your right hand and "solemnly swear" to  be solemn... and SLOW. That you must do whatever you can--whatever necessary--to make sure time drags, and customers' feet and bums go numb whilst waiting in the flimsy, cheap, hard-backed chairs that comprise the waiting room. All of which have been set up facing the counter, so we can watch the slowness as it unfolds before us. Like a soap opera in a foreign language with no subtitles-set in slow-motion.

Some customers don't seem to mind it. Like the lady three chairs down on my left. Her number (B41) was called some time after I sat down and started trolling Twitter in response to the impending boredom. She jumped up out of her chair BINGO-hall style, all smiles and giggles, saying "It's me, it's me. They called ME."

Uh, this is not the lottery lady. You didn't hit it big. 

She proceeds to bounce/skip up to the counter while throwing an "I'm so nervous!"over her shoulder to the woman I assume is her mother. Maybe she's getting her license for the first time, instead of renewed? Except she looks old enough to be MY mother... and, no... as I continue watching and listening--because what else is there to do in a place like this?--I hear that she is, in fact, simply renewing her license.


Some customers come ready for the wait. And I almost can't knock their flannel pajama bottoms paired with an oversized Tweety Bird tee that doesn't quite cover their muffin-top bellies because, hey, they're in it for the long haul. They came prepared and comfortable, just in case this thing drags over into bedtime. Gotta' admire planning.


Then there's the mom who bounces her not-quite-two and not-quite-cute little girl on her lap. You know, the toddler who is now eyeing the guy in front of me--the one with the dreds--with a decidedly "mankiller" glint in her eye. And aww, doesn't mom just think that's adorable of her little prodigy. Lady, you've got "Baby Daddy" pasted on your forehead. Or maybe your license plate. I'm not judging.

This bring us to the 1.5 hour mark, at which time B50 is finally called over the computerized intercom.

It's me! I'm so nervous!

This is the part where my customer service rep says "hello," takes my paperwork, (Blessed Mother Mary, it's all CORRECT. I do not have to go home and print a different form and come back.) and then launch into a whole "I totaled my car and now I'm gonna get me a settlement" conversation with her friend. All while shooting me smiles and nodding at random intervals to let me know "I'm really paying attention to you, the customer, I swear."

I do the eye exam. She tells me to read line 1--the biggest line. I do. Box a- X C G F or something else equally random. Box b- Q R S T, whatever. "And what's in the last box?" she asks.

"Um, it's blank?" I respond. I'm confused. All I see in this box c is white.

She frowns and types something.

"Uh, it wasn't empty?" I ask.

she shakes her head. The last box wasn't empty. I think there was a pin prick I was supposed to see. or maybe it was a trick, because she won't tell me what I was supposed to see. If I fail because of a trick question....

THIS is, by the way, where my favorite term used for threatening violence comes from: I will cut you with my license. (The butter knife came later. Long story for another post.)

Either way, I pass, because remember, they don't care if you can't see. You just have to pay the $32 and "maintain a neutral expression for the camera" and in 7-10 days, you'll receive a Virginia driver's license in the mail.

"Thank you, have a nice day."

Out of the ashes...

I believe that if I should die, and you were to walk near my grave,
from the very depths of the earth, I would hear your footsteps.
-Benito Perez Galdos


As most of you know, (and if you don't you can read about it here) I gave birth to a baby boy in December who, unbeknownst to us throughout the pregnancy, had a heart problem. He was born very sick and died five days later at the UVA Children's Hospital in Charlottesville, VA. Those five days have understandably impacted me in a way that I cannot describe, as has the grief that follows that sort of loss. 


What that means for my personal life is that I take it one day at a time, one breath at a time, and I spend a lot of time remembering while simultaneously trying to forget - at least to the point where I can get through. 

What that means for my writing is that I wasn't able to jump into my next scheduled project (book 3 in my Dirty Blood series). Instead, I started something new. At first, it was simply journaling. A way to pour out the emotion that was way too big to remain contained inside me. But then it evolved, as most stories do, and it became something more. It became Whisper. The character herself is reflective of me but also, of everyone who has lost someone dear to them. She is the voice of our collective grief. She is you. 

Whisper's story is one of loss, but also one of acceptance and new life found. There are paranormal elements and love, which makes it a Paranormal Romance. But its different than most. Its no doubt bigger and heavier than what you're reading now. That's the point. My hope is that you will connect with it, in some way. That you will be encouraged by it. That you will see the hope in it, for Whisper, and maybe even for yourself. 

I wouldn't have made the decision to publish Whisper without all of the support and encouragement I've received from readers and bloggers and friends. I sincerely hope my journey will be of some help or leave a lasting mark somewhere, with someone who needs it. I have to believe that my story has meaning and a purpose. That something amazing will come out of the ashes. 

* * *

Now, on to the goodies -- because there must always be goodies. The tour I've put together, to launch Whisper, is titled "Fact or Fiction". The reason is that so much of Whisper came out of my own life, that I thought it would be fun to share which is which. Braine at Talking Supe made up the fabuloso button for us. Feel free to grab it! 

The tour schedule is listed below, with each blogger featuring a different post that explains which topics featured in Whisper are "Fact" and which are "Fiction". For example:

Cherokee background: Fiction - I am not Native American, though that would be awesome, because then I would have a year-round tan and look good in leather skirts. (I mean that in a seriously impressed and not racist kind of way). Actually, I am Dutch and German.My dad's family is from Holland, MI. And there is a town in Germany called Dannenberg, which is my maiden name. 

Dannenberg City Hall, Germany

This gives an idea of what I'll reveal on the tour. There are giveaways at each stop, so be sure to check them all and enter! 

A Diary of A Book Addict - 4/19

AwesomeSauce Book Club - 4/20

What's Your Story Book Reviews - 4/21

Cambria Hebert, Author of Masquerade - 4/22

A Book Vacation - 4/23 - SIGNED PB giveaway! 

The Bookish Babes - 4/24

Nightly Reading & Taking It One Book At A Time - 4/25

Magnet 4 Books - 4/26

Talking Supe - 4/27

SupaGurl Books - 4/28

Seeing Night Reviews - 4/29

The Rest Is Still Unwritten - 4/30

Bookerella Reviews - 5/1

Also, happening on Accendo's site is a hop sponsored by I am a Reader, Not a Writer, where we are giving away a paperback copy of The Immortal Rules by Julie Kagawa, avail on April 24th. Be sure to get in on that! 

Some Announcements... and also, butter knives are dangerous

This post is all about letting you know. "Because the more you know.... the better." <--- That would be a cheesy line from a local TV station we had growing up. It was their signature whatever.

Anyway.

First, you need to know that I have a new book coming soon. Whisper will be out April 19th -ISH. Here's the cover, done by Char Adlesberger (genius!) on the right-hand side bar. --------->

What do you think? Gorgeous, right? She does good work. Okay so it will be out for Kindle and Nook for $2.99. I'm not sure how much the paperback will be. Hopefully around $11 like the others. I'll see what I can do. And if you click the cover picture on the right side of the blog, you can add it to your TBR pile on Goodreads.

Whisper is special to me because it came about as a much-needed journalling project after Tyler died. I think that is an entire blog post in itself that I will have to do another time. but there is ALOT of my emotional "Stuff" in there so the MC is a version of myself in a way. My sister is beta reading for me and she called and was like "whaaa? There's a lot of hints of us and our own childhood in this thing." Yeah, I know. Go with it.

And its a little different from my other titles thus far. There's reincarnation and possibly an immortal or two, and death is faced and conquered. As in my real life.

Oh and a hot Indian boy ;) #requiredingredient

I am looking forward to hearing what you all think of it.

Also, on the list of announcements, Across the Galaxy is FREE through Saturday for Kindle. Here's the linky:
ATG FREE  It's currently like #4 in Sci-Fi Adventure, with Bob Mayer's Atlantis and other uber-amazing stuff. Nice list to be on.

I've always been against the idea of offering my work for free because I know my work has value. Books take a long time to write. And its hard, its work, its frustrating and amazing and makes you want to gouge your eyes out one minute and weep at your own genius the next. THAT should not be free, in my opinion.

But I've been pretty overwhelmed of late. With all the love and support from readers and the lovely mail I get encouraging me about Tyler. And I wanted to give something back. So, this is my thank you for your support. If you've already read it, pass the link on to a friend who hasn't. But this is for you guys. Thanks. I love ya.

Also, Decended by Blood by Angelina Kace - a fellow Accendo Press author of mine - is FREE this weekend as well. its got the hottest vamp you've ever seen. Mirko. He's on my sidebar. You can look but you cannot touch. He's mine. I will cut you with a butterknife. (incidentally, that's something i ALWAYS say and then "Lo and behold" guess what I did to my OWN HAND yesterday? Embarrassing, totally.) So be sure to get that for Kindle while freedom rings. Linky here.


And lastly, and possibly most important, and definitely most interesting:

My friend/sensei/mentor/drinking buddy/lunch date/role model/husband's golf partner (I could go on but you get the idea) Warren Murphy, author of the The Destroyer series, Grandmaster, and my favorite book EVER, The Forever King, has just released a new book (he's come out of retirement AND hiding for this.)

It's called Savage Song and its a novella (25k words) and its AMAZING!!!

As a rule I do not usually review or recommend books, especially from the platform of my blog. but this. THIS. . . this is an exception of epic proportions. Here's the cover and synopsis:

She is the world's greatest entertainer;  in a few brief years, she has changed show business forever and tens of millions of people follow her every move.  Now it looks like someone is trying to end her career for good. She's not the kind to roll over and play dead for anybody.

Enter Remo Williams, the Destroyer, and Chiun, the Master of Sinanju and the world's greatest assassin...who has a warm spot in his heart for the singing star.  Killers, stand back.  You're messing with the wrong girl and you ain't seen nothing yet.

Available for your Kindle 3/23/12

Her name is Madam Googoo! sound familiar? haha. It's great! There's humor and a badass assasin and rock stars and guessing the intended identities of each "name changed to protect the innocent" was a lot of fun. So be sure to check it out. You'll be hooked! 

Also- there is a contest going on at their blog. They are giving away a Kindle Fire, so be sure to enter. Linky here. 

There are two kinds of people in this world.

"There are two kinds of people in this world.
There are thinkers and there are doers.
There's winners, there's cool guys, and there's buddies..."
- Sam Witwiki, Transformers 3
I love this movie. Sam Witwiki is one of the best characters ever created, second to his parents.

Speaking of Winners.....
Congrats to Sarah K!!!!

You've won a signed paperback of Across the Galaxy with the new cover, in all its glory - Woot Woot!  Thanks for following along on the blog tour and showing Across the Galaxy the love it deserves. I will be doing more giveaways with the new cover coming up soon. So stay tuned. Hint- one will be available to you ONLY if you are a newsletter recipient so if you haven't already signed up for that, do it now. The "when" and "where" will be random and spontaneous so keep an eye out in your inbox ;)

Also coming up is a "Big Reveal" of the biggest and most revealing nature so stay tuned for that, as well.

Okay so now I am going to get serious for a sec.

Most of you know that I gave birth to a baby boy in December and he passed away five days later. His diagnosis was cardiomyopathy, heart muscle disease. His name was Tyler. I did a blog post after letting everyone know because my pregnancy was sort of common knowledge in the blogosphere, and then I did a follow-up post in January talking about that first month of recovery, or mourning, or whatever it should be called.

Since then, I've gotten quite a few emails and messages from readers and bloggers. Some, like me, have lost babies or children at a young age. Some are struggling with how to cope with a sick or disabled child. Some just want me to know their thoughts and/or prayers are with me. ALL of them told me how encouraged they are by my story and my willingness to share. I've received countless comments, compliments, and encouragement about my "strength and bravery."

Let me say first that I am beyond flattered. I did not anticipate that reaction. It sort of baffles me actually, because I don't feel like I've done anything worthy of that sort of admiration. I've trudged along day-to-day, and I get out of bed in the mornings. I pack lunches and drive to soccer practice. (so we showed up at the wrong field that first day, I got it right eventually!) And I write, because that's a constant release that I couldn't operate without. But there's plenty you don't see. I snap at my kids and husband for no good reason. I dam up the tears most days lately because if I let them come, the pain is so crushing I think I'll die under its weight. I still have the crib up because I feel like taking it down would be moving on. I'm not ready for that. There are things you don't see. Evidence of grief. Its important you know that.

But maybe me telling you this sort of thing is exactly WHY its encouraging. Maybe we all need to feel like we're not alone, whether its misery or joy. Maybe my reaction isn't your reaction. Sometimes I am blown away at how easily I've accepted Tyler's death. Not that its easy. Don't hear me wrong. But I've accepted it as what was best for him. I'm not angry. At least not at any person or at God. And that is a big blessing to me. Because I'm twisted up enough with the sadness to know I'd be a mess with all that anger heaped on top. And maybe your reaction would be anger. I've been there, about other stuff in my life. I've felt victimized. Maybe that's why I don't anymore. but maybe you would. Or you do.

I can't address that, because I'm not willing to offer two cents on something I don't feel. But the sadness is huge enough that I can get that. I can get wanting to ignore it because it feels too big to embrace. I can get feeling heavy under its weight. I can get the longing. I'm sure there are more types of grief than just my own that this would be fitting for.

Hopefully telling you how I feel and where I'm at encourages you. Because I have no words of wisdom to offer, except that they tell me it gets easier. Not healed, just better than it is. And hopefully simply knowing you aren't alone is uplifting. I'm not sure if what I'm doing here makes me brave or courageous. Maybe living in the face of death does. Or maybe its willing to admit that you struggle. If so, I'm a warrior. And so are you. Everyone struggles. I think its your reaction to it that makes you who you are.

As for my writing, as I said before, I am still hard at work because telling someone else's story is the best escape from my own. And it does make me feel better to pour some of it into someone else and then pour them onto paper. I was scheduled to get right into Book 3 of the Dirty Blood series, but after everything that happened with Tyler I decided to take a break from that. I need to get my head screwed on straight before I can get back to Tara and the gang. They deserve witty and funny and sexy. I don't feel much of any of that right now but I'll get there. At least on paper.

And lastly, because I want to leave you on the up-slope, click below. This was the first belly laugh I had after Tyler. Mostly because my six-year old keeps walking around the house talking about "one-legged ninjas."

"ReLaunch Across The Galaxy" Blog Hop

In January 2011 I published Across The Galaxy.

January 22nd to be exact - (Happy Birthday Lisa! <--- my sister)

13 months later Across The Galaxy has sold hundreds of copies and has allowed me to become part of the BEST online community of writers and bloggers I can imagine exists.

I am so grateful to this story in my head and the One who gave me the passion to get it out onto paper (or comp screen). I'm also grateful to my mentor and sensei: Warren Murphy. (Author of The Forever King, one of my top 5 fav books ever!) Without him, I would've never heard of JA Konrath or the e-publishing revolution that was already underway when I came into the picture.

And mostly - thanks to everyone who has bought and read this book. I wouldn't be here without readers. Its still sort of surreal to get 'fan mail' and letters from people who just want to thank me for writing and providing them with a way to escape their every day 'stuff'. Surreal but awesome!

Now, even though this reads like a sappy acknowledgement page in a book, I'm not usually the mushy type so let's move on...

Marking a year as a self-published author is pretty exciting when not only has that much time passed already, but I'm now making the kind of money writing that I would've made off an advance from NY for these titles. Woot Woot!! And I am sooo happy doing it myself because that means I can do something fun and crazy like change a cover anytime I want.

And since I can, I did. Here's the background on that decision.

Across the Galaxy's original cover was made by a professional photographer. He used a stock background and snapped a really cool pose of my cousin Krystle (Twitter name: @KrystylePole if you want to tell her how awesome she looks!) - who, by the way, is in Vegas this weekend competing in a Pole fitness competition. Go Krystle!!!!

Okay, back to the point. Anyway so my love for ths cover is deep and completely biased because of the story behind the cover. That being said, the marketer in me knew this cover needed... something. The cover competition out there is hard, and even though I love this one, its not necessarily competing to get your attention like so many other YA fantasy covers.

Enter Char Adlesberger. College student from Colorado and GENIUS cover artist! She took my book description and my request for something "edgy" and gave me this!!!

A-MA-zing!!!!!!!!!

So, now that I've caught your eye, on to the details of the HOP. Because I can't do something as cool as a new cover and NOT give stuff away!!!

The schedule is listed below. Each blogger will feature the book and brand new synopsis along with a giveaway of an e-book version of the book. Some will also host a review, interview, or fun facts about yours truly. On the last day, head over to Accendo Press' site (my publishing group) to enter to win a Kindle cover with signed bookmarks!!

2/26/12 - Cambria Hebert, A Diary of a Book Addict

2/27/12 - Nightly Reading

2/28/12 - AwesomeSauce Books

2/29/12- Magnet 4 Books

3/1/12- Fiktshun

3/2/12- Taking It One Book At A Time, Bookish Babes

3/3/12- The Readiacs

3/4/12- Sassy Book Lovers

3/5/12- Talk Supe, A Book Vacation

3/6/12 - Accendo Press  - giveaway of a Kindle cover and e-book of your choice!

And now for the BEST part of this post - You can enter here to win a prize pack from me that includes signed bookmark swag for Dirty Blood (pictured above) and Descended By Blood by Angeline Kace - and a signed paperback of Across The Galaxy with the brand new cover!!

check it:

Here's how to enter:
Leave a comment with your email address below. For an extra entry you can 1- become a follower of the blog and 2- tweet about the giveaway and new cover. Mention me: @HeatherHildenbr in the tweet so I can track your entries.

The contest ends 3/12 and the winner will be announced 3/13. Good luck! 

The post that comes after Tyler

It's been unbelievably hard.

The past 30 days. Getting out of bed every morning. Fielding difficult questions. Responding to someone who doesn't know what happened and asks how the baby's doing. Drying my tears by the time my kids come home from school. Letting them see me cry. Crying with them. Discovering who my friends are. Forgiving the friends that don't call because they don't know what to say to me. Not beating the crap out of insensitive strangers. Packing up the unused baby clothes.

And trying to figure out the next blog post.

I've been wondering what to write next because I'm just not sure how much of my personal life to share and how much to stuff back into the bottle, to keep it from spilling over into the writer side of things. But I think its okay to let you know that I'm still sad. And still struggling with losing Tyler. Just like its okay to "feel" and cry in front of my kids - as a mom I struggle with wanting to protect them, even from emotional trauma - but all I can be is myself and I think blogging about it will help me move past it more smoothly. I think it also helps others; by knowing where I'm at in the grieving process, you have a better sense of how to approach me. And I don't want anyone staying away because they don't know what to say. I was touched and overwhelmed by your responses to my initial post. I am so lucky to have an online community of friends and bloggers and fans that care so much.

And in case you are wondering, my husband and family are just as awesome so I am surrounded by a magnificent support system. My husband's birthday was last week and one of his presents was a tattoo of Tyler's name. He got it on his bicep, for strength. I think its pretty cool:

So, this is "the post that comes after Tyler". Because there had to be one. And posting it will make the next post easier.

Tyler Andrew

I have some tragic news to share. I have gone back and forth with the best way to do this for days now. I am absolutely NOT one of those people who feels the need to share personal information about themselves with everyone online. I don't post my whole life on Facebook, and especially since I became a writer, I make sure to always keep my personal life separate from my professional. But I've also developed friendships and connections with so many of you that the line became blurred. Through emails and private conversations, many of you have come to know me. And I've come to know many of you. And many of you knew I was pregnant. So, I want to share my news with you now.

Tyler Andrew Hildenbrand was born December 15 at 10am. When they pulled him out he wasn't breathing. They managed to resuscitate him after several long minutes and hurried him off to the NICU while they finished with me. Once I was in recovery (a small area resembling an emergency room cubby where you sit and let the drugs wear off until you can feel your body again) the doctor came down and explained the results of the tests they'd already done as a result of his struggle to breathe and lack of response after they'd brought him back.

Tyler was in heart failure. His heart was enlarged on both sides and so were the walls around his heart. As a result, it also wasn't pumping or squeezing correctly and he was unable to provide enough blood flow or oxygen to the rest of his organs. There was nothing to do but wait and see if he somehow stregnthened on his own. If he stabilized we were told he might be a candidate for a transplant or maybe a bypass procedure farther down the road but for now there was nothing they could do.

The next morning Tyler was transferred to the Children's Hospital at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, VA. The hospital here disharged me, and my husband and I drove up. For the next four days we stayed with Tyler.

Tests were done and the staff there was amazing and devoted and honestly made me feel as comforted as possible in a situation like this. I could tell they really cared about Tyler and about us. Some of them became friends for life for me during those few days. But despite everything Tyler worsened. His heart just couldn't keep up. His organs began to shut down because they couldn't get enough blood. I won't go into much detail because I know it's hard to hear for some. Monday night we got the results from an EEG and learned there was little or no brain activity anymore.

Tyler passed away on Tuesday, December 20th at 3:45am. Both me and my husband were with him and he felt no pain.

It was both the worst and the best five days of my entire life. I am so lucky we got that time. We are grateful for every single day we got to spend holding him and talking to him. And we know he's in Heaven now, and that we will see him again. And that when we do meet again, he will be himself. He will be able to talk to me and walk and run and show me his life there. And I find myself impatient for that day.

I still can't believe this happened. We had no idea anything was wrong. All of the ultrasounds and tests, etc always looked normal. He appeared to be an active, healthy baby for my entire pregnancy. He just couldn't seem to handle being out in the world.

I've posted a picture below because the mother in me still wants to show him off. I know seeing the breathing tube, etc is scary but I don't even see that anymore. I only see him and he's gorgeous.

Here's the chair we sat in with him. They would tape the tubes and lines to our arms and the pillow so they wouldn't pull or hang while we sat. I'm staring up at the monitor that read out his vitals.

Tyler Andrew. One day old.

One of the main reasons I posted this was to avoid or head off all the questions that are starting to come in about 'how I'm feeling' or 'how the baby's doing'. I have no problem talking about him, or our ordeal for those five days. In fact, it's all I want to do because it makes him more real or seem closer somehow, now that he's gone, but I don't like having to break the news over and over so this post seemed the best way to get it out there to everyone at once and not have to re-tell the story over and over. Or to have to say the words "My baby died" even one more time. It's hard even when it's only written.

Also, I want to say a few thank-you's publicly. To Angeline Kace and Jennifer Sommersby- the best, most supportive long-distance friends I'll ever have. Your support is so appreciated.

And to the NICU staff at UVA Children's Hospital: Words cannot express the depth of my gratitude for the amount of caring and support you showed to me and my husband. You held our hand and treated us like family and we never felt alone because of you. Kara, Amelia, and Naomi - you three especially made us feel safe at a time when we should've felt terrified and lonely. Thank you for taking care of Tyler like he was your own. I will never, ever forget you. And Naomi, I am convinced it was Jesus himself who sent you to us for that night. We could not have done it without you. My  memories of Tyler will always include the three of you, along with so many others there. Thank you for everything. You are all amazing.

Cold Blood is NOW available!!!

RELEASE DAY is FINALLY here!!!!!!

Cold Blood is now available in e-book on Amazon and Barnes& Noble. I know I said Nov 22^nd which isn’t until tomorrow, but it’s already there so GO NOW and check it out. 

Below, I’ve listed a schedule of the blog tour that kicks off tomorrow. You will want to visit this list often because every day of the blog tour a new excerpt from the book will be posted on the hosting site. If you read these excerpts in order, you will get a sneak peek at the first 6 chapters of Cold Blood!

Each blog will also be hosting its own e-book giveaway of Cold Blood, so visit each site to find out how you can enter. The tour will wrap up on Christmas Day on Accendo Press’ website where we will give away a signed PAPERBACK version of the book to a lucky winner.

I’m so excited to finally be able to share the next installment of Tara’s story with you. There’s a whole host of new characters this time around, and I’m excited to see what everyone thinks of them. For those of you who have already read the book, feel free to write back and tell me who your favorite character was (old or new).

*special tidbit: For those of who you liked Cambria - and she was so much fun to write! - you’ll be interested to know she was named after a real, live person who just happens to be kicking off our blog tour for us tomorrow. Be sure to visit stop #1 and say hi to the real Cambria!

Nov 22 - The Unlocked Diary

Nov 23 - The Bookish Brunette - "Indie Frenzy", Read about some of my 'favorite things'

Nov 24 – HAPPY THANKSGIVING  - Now go eat turkey! No post today.

Nov 25- A Diary of a Book Addict

Nov 26 - CP White Media

Nov 27- Jagged Edge Reviews

Nov 28- Live to Read - Top 10 'This or That' List

Nov 29- Two Chicks On Books

Nov 30- The Sated Faery

******

Dec 1- A Cupcake and a Latte

Dec 2- AwesomeSauce Book Club

Dec 3- Page Flipperz

Dec 4- Sassy Book Lovers

Dec 5- Angeline Kace, Author of Descended By Blood

Dec 6- The Bookish Babes

Dec 7- Taking It One Book At A Time

Dec 8- Seeing Night Reviews

Dec 9- Nightly Reading

Dec 10-Ya-Aholic Reviews

Dec 11-The Rest Is Still Unwritten

Dec 12- Bookerella Reviews

Dec 13- Book Vacations

Dec 14- Book Reader Addicts

Dec 15- Magical Urban Fantasy Reads

Dec 16- Total Bookaholic

Dec 17- A Life Bound By Books

Dec 18- The Blog Starts Here

Dec 19- All Things Books

Dec 20- Fiktshun

Dec 21- LovLivLife Reviews

Dec 22- Stuck In Books

Dec 23-Purple Jelly Bean Chair Reviews AND Sleep. Eat. Read

Dec 24- Magnet4Books

Dec 25- Accendo Press ENTER TO WIN A SIGNED PAPERBACK!!

·        * SPECIAL EVENT 12/27: Radio show with Cambria and her friends. Call in to discuss the book and a chance to win a signed paperback of Cold Blood! More details to come.

NaNoWriMo... and biting off more than you can chew

For the entire month of October, I would think about NaNoWriMo (which starts today) and say, "nope, can't do it. Not this year." And with good reason. I'm wrapping up edits for Cold Blood. I'm publishing a book this month! I have nothing to feel guilty for, because you can't get much more productive than that. So I would tell myself no and then keep it moving... because on top of publishing a book, I'm cooking a baby... so yeah 'nuff said on the productivity meter.

But then I looked at the calender and saw that it is 11/1 and I'm starting to itch a little in the tips of my fingers... and at the edges of my mind. The dark edges; the places where stories come from...

And I think I might want to try it. 50,000 words in 30 days... Sounds only slightly unattainable with my current schedule... but I think I want to try anyway. Because I realized that part of me was saying no because I thought I wouldn't be able to finish. But what kind of insecure wimp only starts things they KNOW they won't fail at?? That's just cowardly.

So I'm going to try it. The question now is.... what story to write? It needs to be fun and fresh and new- a total brain exercise. That way, I'm inspired enough to write my 2k words a day whether I'm exhausted or busy or whatever. So I need to go and daydream now.

Happy NaNoWriMo!!

And if you don't know what NaNoWriMo is, click here to find out: http://www.nanowrimo.org/

It's the best writing experience ever. And it's how I wrote Dirty Blood ;)

Who else is doing it this year?

Official Release Date ... and a sneek peek!

For those of you who keep checking back for more information on Cold Blood's release... this one's for you....

The release date has been set for November 22!!!

Yay- I am so excited! I can't wait for everyone to read this one so I can FINALLY talk to you about these new characters- whom you will love!

Also, in the meantime, there is a portion of chapter one posted on All Things Books right now, so go there and read it. Thanks, Tanya, for posting. =) It is still a rough draft copy, though, so bear that in mind. You may see a slightly different version in the finished product, but it was ready enough and I wanted to share something. I hope you love it. I think you will, especially if you have a soft spot for George.

Also, I've posted the information for Cold Blood on Goodreads so if you want to add it to your 'to-read' list, you can do so here.

When we get closer to release date, I will share the information about the spectacular and revealing blog tour I am putting together. You will NOT want to miss it.

word burn out

I'm supposed to be blogging right now. But even though you're reading this, it's not really a blog. I mean, there isn't going to be much of importance said here. Trust me. Because the thing is, I feel kind of burnt out on words. Sure, they come in handy to get a point across or relieve road rage, but right now, I feel like words are a little overrated. I finished the first round of edits on Cold Blood today, kissed it goodbye, and sent it off to the betas. And by the time I hit 'save' and exit one last time, all of my words were starting to blur together. I think I need a break from words.

But I haven't reached out and said hello to my three loyal readers so here I sit, typing something that will most certainly NOT be anything that qualifies as a real blog post. And you're reading it, so I'm not sure who the joke's on.

Alright, since I'm immersed in everything Cold Blood and have just now come up for air, I'm way behind on anything fun to talk about. I know about Cher making an appearance on Dancing With The Stars (only because its my husband's favorite show - don't tell him I told you!!) where she somehow still looked 35 and I know Footloose just came out and I am excited to see it bc I have a girl-crush on Julianna Hough.

And if you want something literary, I just read a sneak peek of Destined, the new House of Night book by P.C. and Kristin Cast. Its out on 10/25 I think and if you haven't read this series you should, because its fun and very true to a teenage voice and has laugh-out-loud dialogue. I'm excited for it.

But those are really the only fun things I know of going on in the world. Oh - and yes, I heard about the pregnant lady who ran the marathon last weekend and then stopped for lunch, and then went to the hospital and had a baby - all in the same day. Geez, she's giving all of us prego's a good name, and I don't appreciate it. We are NOT all capable of that, okay? I mean, running is phsyically impossible for me right now. I know. I tried. My son ate it on his bike a couple of days ago and do you think I was able to rush out and comfort him in the middle of the street? Um, no. His wounds had all healed by the time I got there. 

So, if anyone else has anything fun or newsworthy to add, feel free. Catch me up on anything I missed. And lend me some words.

how to be pregnant and NOT cut somebody!

If you're reading this and you're the type who likes striking up conversations with strangers in grocery stores, get PREGNANT. Personally, I have nothing against a little small talk with the mothers of grown children who wants to share mom stories about when their kids were younger, give advice, blah blah blah. Usually it's harmless and polite and not altogether un-enjoyable.

But when you're seven months pregnant and so big you can't see your feet - much less your own who-ha - its none of those things, because the convo goes something like this:

Retired age lady: "Oh." <smiles and eyes my belly> "When are you due?"
Me: "December."
Lady: <smile drops to a frown and eyes go wide.> "Oh. So big already."
Me: <try not to cut someone with my license. Paste on a smile.> "Um, yeah, apparently I make big babies. My last one was ten pounds so...."
Lady: "Oh my."
"Me: "So he'll just be big." (basically, I'm still being defensive here)
Lady: "Oh well, yes, that's quite large. My goodness." <eyes me like I shouldn't even be walking around>
Me: "Well... bye!" <makes a mad, waddling dash of an escape into the next aisle>

And then, in said aisle....
The process repeats itself.

Geesh. My pasted smile is wearing thin. I know I'm big, people! Trust me, I'm the one who carries it around. And it's not that much fun most of the time. Babies are fun. Thinking about the baby is fun. But carrying him at waist level, with nothing to hold him up but my stretched-thin skin, yeah - not so much fun. But thanks for pointing out just one more thing to make me feel bad about myself for: How fat I am.

I feel bad for the girls who are having baby #1 that have to endure those looks and comments. I don't remember getting very much of that with my first - or second, for that matter. I had a lot of strangers come up and randomly touch or rub my belly, but at least no one looked at me like I needed to go on prego-mama weight watchers. And the thing is, I've gained less weight this time than I did both times before. It really is ALL belly weight! (okay, and boobs but the guys reading this really don't need to hear all that.) Anyway, the point is, I don't care if I DO look like I've gained fifty pounds in each limb or something. I'm PREGNANT!!!! There's a reason for the extra padding and either way, it's none of your business. So quit looking at me with those judgy eyes before I make you a character in my book and then kill that character.

Whew. <deep breath> I feel better.

Oh, book progress. Yeah, let's talk about that real quick because that'll make me look less hormonal and nuts after all the spewing. Haha.

Revisions are coming along. Slow and steady. We're still shooting for a Thanksgiving release. And there are so many things I wish I could tell you about it!!! But I won't give anything away. At least not yet. Later this month, I will reveal a snippet on a very special blog post that I will tell you about later. =) And you'll love it and hate me and want more but that's all I'm going to say for right now.

Pregnancy makes me evil. hehe.

Oh and in the meantime, head over to A Cupcake and a Latte for a giveaway of Dirty Blood and Across the Galaxy for her 1000 Followers Giveaway.

Giveaway winners

I love giveaways. Even cyber ones. It means everyone reading this is automatically excited already. I don't even have to do anything to snazz up this post to make it more interesting. You're already going to read it, looking to see who won. Easy for me. =P

I'm not going to draw it out and make you read a whole paragraph about what I watched on TV last night first, though it was tempting. I'm just going to give you your winners.

First prize goes to JEANNE!!!!

She will get a signed paperback of Dirty Blood, along with some cool bookmarks - one from me and one from Angeline Kace for Descended by Blood.

Thanks for entering, Jeanne, and I am so excited to have you as a new follower.

Second prize goes to Andrea (at The Bookish Babes). One of my awesome blogger friends. She will get the bookmark swag pack that includes a signed Dirty Blood bookmark, Descended by Blood bookmark signed by Angeline Kace, and the specially designed metal charm bookmark, made exclusively for Dirty Blood.

CONGRATULATIONS to both of you ladies!!!!

And thank you to everyone else who entered. There were well over 100 entries! I gained a lot of new followers on Twitter and Facebook and I'm looking forward to getting to know all of you. Thanks for entering and following. Feel free to drop me an email or comment anytime. And I always love to hear what you liked/didn't like about my books - or any book, for that matter. =)

Now that the excitement has been spread around, it's back to revisions for me. I am working hard at getting Cold Blood ready for you guys by Thanksgiving so I need to get back to it. This one's going to rock! I'll blog again when I come up for air.

Cover Reveal and most awesome giveaway!

I am so excited to be revealing the cover for Cold Blood, Book 2 in the Dirty Blood series!!!!

I am also thrilled to have such an awesome group of bloggers helping with the reveal on their own sites today. If you haven't already seen the cover, here it is:

And a list of the bloggers who are helping with the exclusive cover reveal are:

Taking It One Book At A Time
A Book Vacation
Magical Urban Fantasy Reads
Nightly Reading
A Life Bound By Books
JB Culture Shock
Sassy Book Lovers
A Diary of a Book Addict
All Things Books
A Cupcake & A Latte
The Unlocked Diary
Page Flipperz
1000 Plus Books To Read
Two Chicks On Books
Seeing Night Reviews
The Bookish Babes
AwesomeSauce Book Club

Thanks Bloggers!!

A very special thanks to Sara Reine for her creative genius in creating this cover. I love her and will never part with her!

Now, for the giveaway, because I want to make sure you are JUST as excited as I am...

There will be 2 prizes awarded. First place will receive a signed paperback of Dirty Blood, complete with the new cover art. Yes- it is finally available for purchase with the updated cover. The fun part is, the winner will literally receive the first EVER printed paperback with the new cover. Cool, right?! First prize also includes a signed bookmark by me along with a signed bookmark from Angeline Kace for Descended by Blood, which is the newest title available from Accendo Press. (You can check Descended By Blood out here, and get it now for just .99 for your Kindle.)

Here is a picture of the grand prize pack:

Second prize is a special set of bookmarks, which includes a signed bookmark by me for Dirty Blood, along with a signed bookmark by Angeline Kace for Descended by Blood, AND a special metal bookmark with a wolf print charm, designed by Krystle, my personal jewlery designer. (You can find her on Twitter as @KrystazziK)

Here's a picture of the second prize pack:

To enter the giveaway, you can leave a comment with your email address. For an additional entry, you can follow me on Facebook, Twitter, or Goodreads, or you can become a follower of Accendo Press' website. Just be sure to leave me a comment here that you've done so. The giveaway runs through 9/28 and the winner will be announced on 9/29.

Good luck! And I will leave you with a teaser of what's going on inside Tara's head for Cold Blood...

Wood Point Academy is not at all what I expected. For one thing, it looks like a cross between military school and Buckingham Palace. Everyone stares, the floors shine so bright you can see your reflection in them from a mile away, and no one smiles. Unless they're kicking your butt in the process. Which happens more often than not for the freshman. Lucky for them, my presence has just stolen the spotlight, and they get a break from the daily joys of hazing.

 

At least I've got plenty to take my mind off the fact that my psycho cousin, Miles De'Luca, keeps calling and declaring his love and promising to come for me just as soon as he's destroyed anyone standing in our way. Wes isn't going to like that idea.

 

So between Miles, Wood Point's evil welcoming commitee, and the drill sergeant hottie trainer from hell, I just keep asking myself, how did I end up here?

The future... this week.

Summer's over. I know, you don't want me to say it out loud. I don't want to, either. But it's a fact. The pool is closed, the water park shut down as of yesterday. No more 90 degree days. (Depending on where you live, weather is unpredictable here but I think we're done with that kind of heat) School is in and we're all adjusting to new schedules. Especially at my house. And I think I'm the crankiest of everyone because of it. Last year, my son went to FULL DAY pre-K and this year, he's HALF DAY kindergarten. (Booo!!! Hiss!!) So he goes to school at 11 and comes home at 2:30. Now regardless of how that sounds to you, its not a lot of time. Especially when I have to write 2k words a day or beat the crap out of myself for missing my mark (When you work for yourself, you become your own boss AND enforcer) and do errands, housework, calls, blah blah blah. So yeah, I don't like it because I have to choose between writing and grocery shopping - and when you're six months pregnant, that's a hard choice! My son is adjusting, too. He's trying to overcome the boredom of sitting around all morning because he's a morning person and still wakes up at 7am no matter what. And he can suddenly no longer take naps- yes, my 5 yr old still took naps up til now, don't be jealous. But being in afternoon kindergarten kind of kills that habit. It's just too late in the afternoon to attempt it after he gets home. So we're ALL adjusting to the no-nap part.

The worst part of it all is that as soon as we've all adjusted to said 'new' schedule, Herman the worm will make his appearance and shake it up and we'll have to adjust to a whole new schedule, because I don't care how 'in-control' you are, a baby will still always change your schedule. So yay for that.

See, I haven't written a blog post in forever and when I do, all I do is whine. Aren't you glad you stopped by to read?

Alright, alright, probably you want an update on the actual writing. So I'll give it to ya. First, Dirty Blood - the paperback - is almost ready for purchase, with the new cover. As soon as it is, I'll announce it. Hopefully by the end of the week.

Oh and don't forget DreamKiller has that combined volume now where you can get 1 and 2 together for only .99. For some reason, people are still buying the individual stories for .99 each instead of the combo volume. I don't understand it, but I'm not going to stop you from it, since I'm earning twice as much. Not my fault you aren't scrolling down the list, or whatever the reason for it is. =P

Here's the cover for the combined version so you know what to look for. And don't forget to read the prequel story from Lukas' POV under the short story tab above. It's my favorite price: FREE!

Now for Cold Blood. I am sooooo close to finishing the rough draft, it's ridiculous. I mean, like 3 chapters or something stupid. So I will - hopefully - finish it this week and get on with the revising. We're still shooting for a November release but it will probably be late November. I will keep you posted on that. Also - a cover. There is a cover and yes, it's beyond amazing, and no I'm not showing you yet. I am concentrating on finishing the words part of it all - kind of important when you're an author - and THEN we will have a HUGE cover reveal Extravaganza. Giveaways will ensue. Not sure what yet but it will be amazing. Rest assured.

More on that to come...

And while you're waiting, you should check out Descended by Blood by Angeline Kace because it will rock your socks off. And it's only .99 for the Kindle, for a limited time.