Friday, May 25, 2012

Kool-aid, no sugar ... and other quotables.

I don't normally set out to write a blog post of rambling.
But it's Friday. I've had coffee. I ain't got sh*t to do ...!
(sorry, I can't help but channel Chris Tucker, aka Smokey, whenever I hear the words "it's Friday.")
Craig Jones: We ain't got no sugar. 
Smokey: No sugar? Damn. Y'all ain't never got two things that match. Either y'all got Kool-aid, no sugar. Peanut butter, no jelly. Ham, no burger. Daaamn. 

I love this movie. And Player's Club. Ice Cube was the shizz in the '90's. I could rap every word to every song on that soundtrack, ESPECIALLY We be Clubbin' and Who are You Lovin'! #WhiteGirlRapper

And in case you're just now realizing this about me, I love quoting movie lines. It's my sister's fault. (Thank you, Lisa.) She and I started all the way back in our Little Mermaid Days and it spiraled from there. Not to mention, we love classic musicals so we sang a lot of our quotes. Newsies, (That my cigar? You'll steal anudda'... Hey bumma's we got work to do. Since when did you become me mudda? Ah, stop you're bawling. Hey- Who asked you?) <---For Lisa and a little bit for Matt ;) 

Then there was Oklahoma, South Pacific ("I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair.") and The King and I. Loved that one. ("Shall we dance?" ba-dum-dum-dum) And the best part was that by high school she and I could have entire conversations using nothing but movie lines, and no one else got it. It was like our own secret language; the 90's kid version of pig latin. Except now, she watches a lot of 'B' movies and quotes stuff that I'm like "WTF is that from?" (Foot-foot, you smell like a paduket. <---for you, Lisa!) and some weird one with Zooey Deschanel and her boyfriend, who always had life-altering relationship decisions in front of a swing set at a deserted park. Then there was the one where the guy had a blow-up girlfriend... Lars and the Real Girl. HAHAHAHA! Yeah, that was a weird one. And those are just the ones I've tried to watch with her. She has eclectic taste. 

OH, and don't ask me what a paduket is. I have no clue. but it must smell pretty gross. Like cabbage or something. 

(Your mom smells like cabbage.) Okay, still channeling my sister. I'll try and reign it in. 

Why am I telling you all this? 
I got thinking about it--and the fact that I probably haven't detailed this habit of mine--because I recently did an interview over at the Readiacs and one of the questions was this:

Tell us one thing about Heather Hildenbrand that we won’t be able to find on the Internet?

You can read my entire answer here, along with the rest of the interview, AND enter for the giveaway. Basically, I disclosed this little movie quoting habit as my answer. And btw- this was prob one of the most fun interview questions I've ever had. Thanks for the opp Readiacs! 

Oh another favorite is The Sandlot. Not just the "You're killing me, Smalls" line, because everyone says that one, but the whole 'mallow roasting scene. "You want s'more?" ... "How can I have s'more? I haven't  had any yet."
("You play ball like a GIRL!")

Love it! 

Oh and the 3 Ninjas ... "Let's murder-lize 'em!" --Tum-Tum
We have all four 3 Ninja movies. (Yeah, I didn't remember there being four, either. Mostly because the later ones weren't good.) My son loves them almost as much as my little brother did when we were kids. 

And then, of course, there's Napolean Dynamite -- the entire movie was one long quote. All of it was repeatable. And everyone repeated it. Especially "gosh" and "I'm training to be a cage-fighter." I still tell everyone my favorite animal is a liger. 

But I think the best semi-recent quotable flick, for me, is Superbad. 

I CLUCKING love this movie.
"Take off that vest, you look like Aladdin."
Hahaha, and McLovin ... "WHAT? One Name? You are you? Seal?"
This one is at the top of the list. 

Now that my kids are old enough to really catch on, they've started doing it, too. (Just not with Superbad. What kind of a mother do you think I am?? Don't answer that... keep reading.) They're not quite on the same level, (yet) but it's there. When they need to say a bad word, they channel Ramona and Beezus and shout "Guts!"  and we've watched Transformers: Dark of the Moon so many times, my 6yr son walks around saying "Deep Wang, Deep Wang" from the bathroom stall scene where everyone thinks Asian-guy is going to whip it out on Sam. Prodigy, I tell ya'.

Obviously, I could go on and on with these different examples, past and present. (As you've probably already guessed.) But instead, I'll end it and ask: What's your favorite movie for quoting? 
Or just post the quote and see if I can guess the movie! 

Monday, May 7, 2012

Surviving the DMV... and blind drivers

I had to go to the DMV today (Department of Motor Vehicles, for those living 'cross continents and oceans and have no idea to what I refer) to renew my license. It's the 7-year mark, which means I can't do it online. They wanted a new picture, an updated signature, and also to make sure I hadn't gone blind. Scratch that, they'll still give you a license if you're blind. That explains 50% of the drivers on the road. Anyway, I HAD to go in person.

I've been putting it off. I hate the DMV. They change what paperwork you need every 3.5 hours so that no matter how prepared you think you are for a transaction, you ALWAYS have to leave and come back. Then, each transaction gets a specific number, like vanity plates are A. And people who don't have their paperwork are R. And if all you're doing is turning in old plates--it is beyond retarded that you have to take a number for this instead of handing them to the lady at the front desk who screens each person as they walk in, and hands out clipboards like it's her sole purpose in life--get letter Q or some shizz. And peeps renewing their license, they get letter B, at least today.

Having letter B does not mean you are called right after A, or in any similar timely fashion.

Because there is a number beside  B on the ticket. Mine was 50. They were on number 40 when I got there. B40. *sigh* This is going to take forever. I have a sneaking suspicion that on your first day of work as a DMV employee, you must raise your right hand and "solemnly swear" to  be solemn... and SLOW. That you must do whatever you can--whatever necessary--to make sure time drags, and customers' feet and bums go numb whilst waiting in the flimsy, cheap, hard-backed chairs that comprise the waiting room. All of which have been set up facing the counter, so we can watch the slowness as it unfolds before us. Like a soap opera in a foreign language with no subtitles-set in slow-motion.

Some customers don't seem to mind it. Like the lady three chairs down on my left. Her number (B41) was called some time after I sat down and started trolling Twitter in response to the impending boredom. She jumped up out of her chair BINGO-hall style, all smiles and giggles, saying "It's me, it's me. They called ME."

Uh, this is not the lottery lady. You didn't hit it big. 

She proceeds to bounce/skip up to the counter while throwing an "I'm so nervous!"over her shoulder to the woman I assume is her mother. Maybe she's getting her license for the first time, instead of renewed? Except she looks old enough to be MY mother... and, no... as I continue watching and listening--because what else is there to do in a place like this?--I hear that she is, in fact, simply renewing her license.

Some customers come ready for the wait. And I almost can't knock their flannel pajama bottoms paired with an oversized Tweety Bird tee that doesn't quite cover their muffin-top bellies because, hey, they're in it for the long haul. They came prepared and comfortable, just in case this thing drags over into bedtime. Gotta' admire planning.

Then there's the mom who bounces her not-quite-two and not-quite-cute little girl on her lap. You know, the toddler who is now eyeing the guy in front of me--the one with the dreds--with a decidedly "mankiller" glint in her eye. And aww, doesn't mom just think that's adorable of her little prodigy. Lady, you've got "Baby Daddy" pasted on your forehead. Or maybe your license plate. I'm not judging.

This bring us to the 1.5 hour mark, at which time B50 is finally called over the computerized intercom.

It's me! I'm so nervous!

This is the part where my customer service rep says "hello," takes my paperwork, (Blessed Mother Mary, it's all CORRECT. I do not have to go home and print a different form and come back.) and then launch into a whole "I totaled my car and now I'm gonna get me a settlement" conversation with her friend. All while shooting me smiles and nodding at random intervals to let me know "I'm really paying attention to you, the customer, I swear."

I do the eye exam. She tells me to read line 1--the biggest line. I do. Box a- X C G F or something else equally random. Box b- Q R S T, whatever. "And what's in the last box?" she asks.

"Um, it's blank?" I respond. I'm confused. All I see in this box c is white.

She frowns and types something.

"Uh, it wasn't empty?" I ask.

she shakes her head. The last box wasn't empty. I think there was a pin prick I was supposed to see. or maybe it was a trick, because she won't tell me what I was supposed to see. If I fail because of a trick question....

THIS is, by the way, where my favorite term used for threatening violence comes from: I will cut you with my license. (The butter knife came later. Long story for another post.)

Either way, I pass, because remember, they don't care if you can't see. You just have to pay the $32 and "maintain a neutral expression for the camera" and in 7-10 days, you'll receive a Virginia driver's license in the mail.

"Thank you, have a nice day."