Wednesday, March 14, 2012

There are two kinds of people in this world.

"There are two kinds of people in this world.
There are thinkers and there are doers.
There's winners, there's cool guys, and there's buddies..."
- Sam Witwiki, Transformers 3
I love this movie. Sam Witwiki is one of the best characters ever created, second to his parents.

Speaking of Winners.....
Congrats to Sarah K!!!!

You've won a signed paperback of Across the Galaxy with the new cover, in all its glory - Woot Woot!  Thanks for following along on the blog tour and showing Across the Galaxy the love it deserves. I will be doing more giveaways with the new cover coming up soon. So stay tuned. Hint- one will be available to you ONLY if you are a newsletter recipient so if you haven't already signed up for that, do it now. The "when" and "where" will be random and spontaneous so keep an eye out in your inbox ;)

Also coming up is a "Big Reveal" of the biggest and most revealing nature so stay tuned for that, as well.

Okay so now I am going to get serious for a sec.

Most of you know that I gave birth to a baby boy in December and he passed away five days later. His diagnosis was cardiomyopathy, heart muscle disease. His name was Tyler. I did a blog post after letting everyone know because my pregnancy was sort of common knowledge in the blogosphere, and then I did a follow-up post in January talking about that first month of recovery, or mourning, or whatever it should be called.

Since then, I've gotten quite a few emails and messages from readers and bloggers. Some, like me, have lost babies or children at a young age. Some are struggling with how to cope with a sick or disabled child. Some just want me to know their thoughts and/or prayers are with me. ALL of them told me how encouraged they are by my story and my willingness to share. I've received countless comments, compliments, and encouragement about my "strength and bravery."

Let me say first that I am beyond flattered. I did not anticipate that reaction. It sort of baffles me actually, because I don't feel like I've done anything worthy of that sort of admiration. I've trudged along day-to-day, and I get out of bed in the mornings. I pack lunches and drive to soccer practice. (so we showed up at the wrong field that first day, I got it right eventually!) And I write, because that's a constant release that I couldn't operate without. But there's plenty you don't see. I snap at my kids and husband for no good reason. I dam up the tears most days lately because if I let them come, the pain is so crushing I think I'll die under its weight. I still have the crib up because I feel like taking it down would be moving on. I'm not ready for that. There are things you don't see. Evidence of grief. Its important you know that.

But maybe me telling you this sort of thing is exactly WHY its encouraging. Maybe we all need to feel like we're not alone, whether its misery or joy. Maybe my reaction isn't your reaction. Sometimes I am blown away at how easily I've accepted Tyler's death. Not that its easy. Don't hear me wrong. But I've accepted it as what was best for him. I'm not angry. At least not at any person or at God. And that is a big blessing to me. Because I'm twisted up enough with the sadness to know I'd be a mess with all that anger heaped on top. And maybe your reaction would be anger. I've been there, about other stuff in my life. I've felt victimized. Maybe that's why I don't anymore. but maybe you would. Or you do.

I can't address that, because I'm not willing to offer two cents on something I don't feel. But the sadness is huge enough that I can get that. I can get wanting to ignore it because it feels too big to embrace. I can get feeling heavy under its weight. I can get the longing. I'm sure there are more types of grief than just my own that this would be fitting for.

Hopefully telling you how I feel and where I'm at encourages you. Because I have no words of wisdom to offer, except that they tell me it gets easier. Not healed, just better than it is. And hopefully simply knowing you aren't alone is uplifting. I'm not sure if what I'm doing here makes me brave or courageous. Maybe living in the face of death does. Or maybe its willing to admit that you struggle. If so, I'm a warrior. And so are you. Everyone struggles. I think its your reaction to it that makes you who you are.

As for my writing, as I said before, I am still hard at work because telling someone else's story is the best escape from my own. And it does make me feel better to pour some of it into someone else and then pour them onto paper. I was scheduled to get right into Book 3 of the Dirty Blood series, but after everything that happened with Tyler I decided to take a break from that. I need to get my head screwed on straight before I can get back to Tara and the gang. They deserve witty and funny and sexy. I don't feel much of any of that right now but I'll get there. At least on paper.

And lastly, because I want to leave you on the up-slope, click below. This was the first belly laugh I had after Tyler. Mostly because my six-year old keeps walking around the house talking about "one-legged ninjas."


  1. Truly a beautiful post, Heather. It's also raw and full of emotion, and your soul, your heart, the beautiful and courageous woman you are continues to amazes me. I'm in awe of you. Thank you for sharing, ♥ I love you to pieces.

  2. Thanks for sharing. You will continue to find your way. Just keep getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other. I am glad you found your laugh. One legged ninjas? you must tell us more. Looking forward to your new release.

  3. I know you've probably heard this before and it may sound cliche, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to go through that, that you're still going through that. I can't say I imagine what you're going through because I can't. I have never lost a child and I hope to never have to go through that. I'm also not going to tell you to stay strong or that it'll be okay or some of that other stuff that seems to be written in the "What to say when someone's lost a loved one handbook" because it's easier said then done and I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear it right now (and I may be wrong). I just want to tell you to take it one moment at a time. One second, then one minute, then an hour and then a day, until hopefully one day you'll realize that you're happy, that it doesn't hurt to think about your loss.

    And I think it's okay that you haven't taken the crib down yet. I think you should do things at your own pace and not because you think it should be done (even if you're not ready) or because others think so.

    And I agree about the reactions. A lotof people say that they can't control their lives because they can't control what happens to them. But you can control your reactions and your choices. Two different people can look at the exact same situation and see two totally different things. And you always have a choice even if it's not much of one.

  4. @Ang, thanks girl. You know I heart you. @Heidi - oh yes one-legged ninjas. Just watch the video. Self-explanatory. And always hilarious. @Kimberley - thanks so much for your words. You are so right. One day at a time, one moment, one second. Sometimes that's all you can do. I don't know if I can control my reaction or not because I didnt do it on purpose but I am so grateful its been one full of acceptance and peace for the most part. I still have my frustrating, angry moments. but I'm not angry at any PERSON or at God. I know it was no one's fault. I get angry at the situation. And that's a lot more healthy and easy to carry. Thanks so much for stopping by. Everyone's comments mean so much - even when it takes me a week to write back. hahaha

  5. Wow, I have just recently been introduced to your Dirty Blood series (actually started reading the first book Friday and the Second book Saturday and just finished) I have been reading your blog and you are an amazing woman. I am so sorry for your loss. Loosing a child is a pain like no other. Kimberley is so right just take it second by second day by day. My peace comes in knowing that God is holding my babies and they are healthy and happy and I will be able to hold them in Heaven since I wasn't able to on earth. I am praying for you and your family. Your picture with your son was absolutely beautiful. I am at a loss for words. Prayers going up. Thank you for sharing your story it is an encouragement and inspiration to mothers of angle babies I assure you