It's been unbelievably hard.
The past 30 days. Getting out of bed every morning. Fielding difficult questions. Responding to someone who doesn't know what happened and asks how the baby's doing. Drying my tears by the time my kids come home from school. Letting them see me cry. Crying with them. Discovering who my friends are. Forgiving the friends that don't call because they don't know what to say to me. Not beating the crap out of insensitive strangers. Packing up the unused baby clothes.
And trying to figure out the next blog post.
I've been wondering what to write next because I'm just not sure how much of my personal life to share and how much to stuff back into the bottle, to keep it from spilling over into the writer side of things. But I think its okay to let you know that I'm still sad. And still struggling with losing Tyler. Just like its okay to "feel" and cry in front of my kids - as a mom I struggle with wanting to protect them, even from emotional trauma - but all I can be is myself and I think blogging about it will help me move past it more smoothly. I think it also helps others; by knowing where I'm at in the grieving process, you have a better sense of how to approach me. And I don't want anyone staying away because they don't know what to say. I was touched and overwhelmed by your responses to my initial post. I am so lucky to have an online community of friends and bloggers and fans that care so much.
And in case you are wondering, my husband and family are just as awesome so I am surrounded by a magnificent support system. My husband's birthday was last week and one of his presents was a tattoo of Tyler's name. He got it on his bicep, for strength. I think its pretty cool:
So, this is "the post that comes after Tyler". Because there had to be one. And posting it will make the next post easier.