There are thinkers and there are doers.
There's winners, there's cool guys, and there's buddies..."
- Sam Witwiki, Transformers 3
I love this movie. Sam Witwiki is one of the best characters ever created, second to his parents.
Speaking of Winners.....
Congrats to Sarah K!!!!
You've won a signed paperback of Across the Galaxy with the new cover, in all its glory - Woot Woot! Thanks for following along on the blog tour and showing Across the Galaxy the love it deserves. I will be doing more giveaways with the new cover coming up soon. So stay tuned. Hint- one will be available to you ONLY if you are a newsletter recipient so if you haven't already signed up for that, do it now. The "when" and "where" will be random and spontaneous so keep an eye out in your inbox ;)
Also coming up is a "Big Reveal" of the biggest and most revealing nature so stay tuned for that, as well.
Okay so now I am going to get serious for a sec.
Most of you know that I gave birth to a baby boy in December and he passed away five days later. His diagnosis was cardiomyopathy, heart muscle disease. His name was Tyler. I did a blog post after letting everyone know because my pregnancy was sort of common knowledge in the blogosphere, and then I did a follow-up post in January talking about that first month of recovery, or mourning, or whatever it should be called.
Since then, I've gotten quite a few emails and messages from readers and bloggers. Some, like me, have lost babies or children at a young age. Some are struggling with how to cope with a sick or disabled child. Some just want me to know their thoughts and/or prayers are with me. ALL of them told me how encouraged they are by my story and my willingness to share. I've received countless comments, compliments, and encouragement about my "strength and bravery."
Let me say first that I am beyond flattered. I did not anticipate that reaction. It sort of baffles me actually, because I don't feel like I've done anything worthy of that sort of admiration. I've trudged along day-to-day, and I get out of bed in the mornings. I pack lunches and drive to soccer practice. (so we showed up at the wrong field that first day, I got it right eventually!) And I write, because that's a constant release that I couldn't operate without. But there's plenty you don't see. I snap at my kids and husband for no good reason. I dam up the tears most days lately because if I let them come, the pain is so crushing I think I'll die under its weight. I still have the crib up because I feel like taking it down would be moving on. I'm not ready for that. There are things you don't see. Evidence of grief. Its important you know that.
But maybe me telling you this sort of thing is exactly WHY its encouraging. Maybe we all need to feel like we're not alone, whether its misery or joy. Maybe my reaction isn't your reaction. Sometimes I am blown away at how easily I've accepted Tyler's death. Not that its easy. Don't hear me wrong. But I've accepted it as what was best for him. I'm not angry. At least not at any person or at God. And that is a big blessing to me. Because I'm twisted up enough with the sadness to know I'd be a mess with all that anger heaped on top. And maybe your reaction would be anger. I've been there, about other stuff in my life. I've felt victimized. Maybe that's why I don't anymore. but maybe you would. Or you do.
I can't address that, because I'm not willing to offer two cents on something I don't feel. But the sadness is huge enough that I can get that. I can get wanting to ignore it because it feels too big to embrace. I can get feeling heavy under its weight. I can get the longing. I'm sure there are more types of grief than just my own that this would be fitting for.
Hopefully telling you how I feel and where I'm at encourages you. Because I have no words of wisdom to offer, except that they tell me it gets easier. Not healed, just better than it is. And hopefully simply knowing you aren't alone is uplifting. I'm not sure if what I'm doing here makes me brave or courageous. Maybe living in the face of death does. Or maybe its willing to admit that you struggle. If so, I'm a warrior. And so are you. Everyone struggles. I think its your reaction to it that makes you who you are.
As for my writing, as I said before, I am still hard at work because telling someone else's story is the best escape from my own. And it does make me feel better to pour some of it into someone else and then pour them onto paper. I was scheduled to get right into Book 3 of the Dirty Blood series, but after everything that happened with Tyler I decided to take a break from that. I need to get my head screwed on straight before I can get back to Tara and the gang. They deserve witty and funny and sexy. I don't feel much of any of that right now but I'll get there. At least on paper.
And lastly, because I want to leave you on the up-slope, click below. This was the first belly laugh I had after Tyler. Mostly because my six-year old keeps walking around the house talking about "one-legged ninjas."