The past 30 days. Getting out of bed every morning. Fielding difficult questions. Responding to someone who doesn't know what happened and asks how the baby's doing. Drying my tears by the time my kids come home from school. Letting them see me cry. Crying with them. Discovering who my friends are. Forgiving the friends that don't call because they don't know what to say to me. Not beating the crap out of insensitive strangers. Packing up the unused baby clothes.
And trying to figure out the next blog post.
I've been wondering what to write next because I'm just not sure how much of my personal life to share and how much to stuff back into the bottle, to keep it from spilling over into the writer side of things. But I think its okay to let you know that I'm still sad. And still struggling with losing Tyler. Just like its okay to "feel" and cry in front of my kids - as a mom I struggle with wanting to protect them, even from emotional trauma - but all I can be is myself and I think blogging about it will help me move past it more smoothly. I think it also helps others; by knowing where I'm at in the grieving process, you have a better sense of how to approach me. And I don't want anyone staying away because they don't know what to say. I was touched and overwhelmed by your responses to my initial post. I am so lucky to have an online community of friends and bloggers and fans that care so much.
And in case you are wondering, my husband and family are just as awesome so I am surrounded by a magnificent support system. My husband's birthday was last week and one of his presents was a tattoo of Tyler's name. He got it on his bicep, for strength. I think its pretty cool:
So, this is "the post that comes after Tyler". Because there had to be one. And posting it will make the next post easier.
Hard to know what to say here--just that my thoughts are with your and your family in this difficult time. Thanks for continuing to write and share with us.
ReplyDeleteAaron
Heather, I missed the last post and I had no idea what happened. Reading about this made me cry I feel so much grief for you. This is what every mother fears every day and I'm so so sorry that this happened to you. I know this is such a small thing to say to such a devastating event, but I had to say something because I want you to know that you are in all of our hearts and prayers. And take strength in knowing that Tyler, in his short life, only felt love.
ReplyDeleteGirl you are stronger than you know.
ReplyDeleteYou're still in my thoughts even when you're kicking my butt in online games;)
I love you Heather. I want to plan a coffee date with you soon! Feel up to it?
ReplyDeleteI am completely at a loss for words. I am so moved and so amazed at your strength. He is such a beautiful boy! When you meet again it will be so very precious!
ReplyDeleteThanks gniz and Giselle and everyone for your kind words. Just hearing that people are behind me help a lot right now. Its the reason I've been sharing this on the blog in the first place. @Jenn - my addiction to WWF is helping keep my brain excercised and cannot be helped. Plus, I'm competetive enough that winning at SomeThiNg makes me feel nice. =) haha. @Lisa - yes I'm feeling okay these days (physically) so we should hook up. Problem is, you've got a kid home in the pm and I've got one home in the am. Hmm. I will work on the hubby freeing me up and FB you. @Drea- You're exactly right! the thought of our reunion is what keeps me going most days. I can't wait to meet him the 2nd time - when I'll actually be able to get to know him. And he'll get to know me. My faith and my hope are priceless to me through all of this.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that I love you. I'm in awe of your strength. You're such a strong woman, wife, and mother. Thank you for letting me (and the rest of us) in.
ReplyDeleteWow, I really like Brian's tat! And the placement and meaning are perfect. ;)
you are braver than you give yourself credit for. I am pretty sure this is gunna be if not THE, then ONE OF, the HARDEST things to ever go through in life. Sometimes, life just sucks. But, I promise, no matter what you post on your blog, or need to say, someone is listening, and even if I don't know you personally, and cannot physically give you a hug, I will do it in spirit! & I will say thank you (for your family) that some how you find the strength everyday to get up, put on a strong front, and still be there for your kids. There are no words to make it better, and I'm sorry doesn't feel good enough, but I say, I know it's been hard, and I'm truly sorry~
ReplyDeleteI read somewhere that this kind of grief isn't something you ever get over. You just learn to live with it. It follows you around every day, and even though it might fade a little and get easier to deal with, it will always be with you. That's okay, though. We should keep our loved ones in our heart, and thinking of them and crying for them even years later doesn't make us weak.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing harder than this. There are no words to make it better and no right or wrong way to deal with it. Do what you have to do, feel what you have to feel, share what you have to share. I think of you and your beautiful family a lot, so I hope you know you're not alone.
Gosh! I had no idea all this had happened! It's OK to be sad, you need to grieve in order to move forwards. And you will never forget him, but hopefully one day it won't be so painful. I will be praying for you and I hope you and your family feel better soon. Lots of love P. x
ReplyDeleteHeather,
ReplyDeleteI have thought so often of you and your family since your initial post. You are so incredibly brave and strong. I'm so happy you are surrounded by a wonderful family. What your husband did, is one of the most beautiful gifts/gestures I've ever seen.
I am thinking of you and hope each day gets the tiniest bit easier.
Andrea